Getting Out Of My Head and Back Into My Body

Curveballs

2011-10-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

In August, I finally made the step I had been moving towards. I left my overly demanding, too stressful job. It was a hard decision to make, but definitely the right one for me. I had been burning myself out for too long and could not face doing it for one more semester. I tried really hard to be able to. In good faith, I rallied myself, I rallied my staff, and I launched a plan to get through the next semester. I left that day with an action plan. Looking at that plan later that day I realized that there was still way too many things that were my responsibility. I threw up from stress later that night. In that moment I knew it had to be over. That job was not worth compromising my health and well-being over. I left two weeks and 3 days later.

It has been a rough adjustment. I was really sad on the day that the class I would have been teaching started. I miss my co-workers and feeling like I was doing something to make a difference. I don't miss the stress and the responsibility. I don't miss trying to squeeze in time for my family and myself around the job. I dream of having a life first, with some contract, consulting, or freelance work that I can do while my kids are at school. I have useful skills, and lots of ideas.

Those first few weeks I was really angry -- angry that people let it get that bad and didn't do anything about it -- my husband, my bosses, and most importantly myself. The magnitude of how far over the line I had gotten in terms of pushing myself past my limits were eye-opening. I started to focus on self-care. I got a physical, some thai massages, started going to the gym and yoga, found a therapist. I went on vacation for 5 days to stay with a dear friend and just relax, chat, watch movies. By the end of that trip, I felt like me again. I was having all kinds of things I could do in the future, I was excited that I could build the life I wanted. I got a business license. I started my first consulting gig. Things were looking up.

Then, I started to lose myself again. I feel into a funk. I started crying a lot, being unable to do things I normally do. I started isolating. My therapist suggested I might be depressed again. As soon as she said it, I knew she was right. I was losing myself again, but in a different way. I have been having a hard time with it. I feel like I should be happier. I feel like this transition should be easier. I am angry I have to deal with depression again right now. Yesterday I went to get some help, and was diagnosed with major depression, recurrent. I am back on anti-depressants. I am hopeful I will be able to feel like me again. I know that I have to continue on this journey so I can heal that parts of me that lead me to hurt myself by taking on too much and ignoring my wants and needs. I wish I could know how long it will take, and where I will end up. I worry that I don't have enough time, yet I know I need to give myself as much time as it takes. I keep telling myself that just because I can do something, it doesn't mean that I should do it. I need to watch myself and my tendency to overdo and to overeat to avoid my anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I am afraid by how much pull there is inside me and how much push there is from outside me to go back to the crazy life. I can't go back. I need to find a deep sense of self love that will never let me do this to myself again.

Continuing Evolution

2011-04-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

Hello.... It feels like time to come out of hiding and return to this space. I miss it.

I am still working on taking in the message of my last post . It is interesting to me that I wrote it 7 months ago and that it is still just as true now as it was then. I am still bumping into the scary, ugly corners. In fact I may be less optimistic now then I was then. I find myself struggling to keep the patience and faith that I need to move through this transition.

I am still bouncing between chaos and calm.
I am struggling with myself, my beliefs, my limits on what I think I am allowed to want and have.
I struggle to cope well with the anxiety, fear, and anger that is coming up.
I have started eating compulsively at night again. I am trying to hold all of this stuff in.
I need to let it go, release it, stop holding it all in and holding it all together.
I feel like I need to drop it, let it break, so I can rebuild it stronger and in a better way.

I see the scale creeping back up.
I feel shame about it.
I am struggling to ask for help and support.
I am struggling to be seen and heard.

I am learning more about myself.
I am trying to reclaim my ability to be angry and to have expectations.
I am scared of disappointment and being undeserving.
I am remembering that just because I am good at something, it doesn't mean that I have to do it.

I am scared that taking this step for me puts everything else at risk -- my family, my career, my relationship, my finances.
Yet I am also scared that not taking steps for me puts my soul, my heart, and my health at risk.

It is time to show my vulnerable bits, to embrace my humanity and my imperfection.

I am scared. I am angry. I don't want to be alone.

It is time to say

I need help. I can't do this alone.

It is time to be grateful for all the people who are there supporting me and to stop pushing them out when I need them most.

Evolution

2010-08-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

It is finally sinking in.
It is not about what I do.
It is about me and my relationship to myself and my life.

I can have calm no matter what I may need or want to do.
I can have happiness no matter what is happening in my life.

The path to it sounds simple:

If I am present for myself and focus on taking care of me no matter what is happening, it is mine.

As I practice this, I find that it is very hard for me.
It goes counter to all I believe about life.
It goes counter to all the messages I give myself -- my rules for how to live life and how to be a good person.

And yet as I work on this, I find moments of great happiness and calm.
Asking the questions daily is keeping me focused.
Making time for things that matter to me and will make me feel good -- makes me feel productive and happy.
What I am doing hasn't changed.
What has changed is how I am doing it.

I also find moments of chaos. Moments of challenge. Crises of faith.
Is it possible to really be successful living in this new way?
I feel like Chicken Little screaming "The sky is falling."
I fear that I will be a failure if I don't do everything or if I leave things undone.
In those moments I listen to the inner messages in my mind.
I bump into the scary, ugly corners inside my comfort zone.
I see the ways in which I am so hard on myself.

Work harder. Do more. Achieve.
Don't be lazy. Don't be selfish.
Take care of everyone and everything else first.
You can take a little time for yourself, but there is a limit.
Life isn't supposed to be easy.

Yet, I know these rules don't serve me anymore. They leave me exhausted, worn out, burnt out. Wanting to quit and run away because I just can't handle it anymore.

I need more compassion for myself.
I need more patience with myself in this process.
I need support and reminders that this will work, especially when I am faced with the most doubt.

I have embarked on a program of positive brainwashing.
I can convince myself through new positive practices.
I can convince myself through what I read.
I can convince myself through what I listen to.

Being calm and happy is possible for me. Being energized and inspired is possible for me.
The life I want is possible for me and is closer than I even imagine.
I can do this. I am doing it. I am evolving.

If you are interested, these are the ingredients of my brainwashing.

Another Message to Myself

2010-07-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My Comfort Zone

2010-07-21T19:22:00.001-07:00

Sitting with all of these feelings today, I find myself wrestling with my comfort zone. My comfort zone is my ways of living, the rules I live by to be a good person, to accomplish something, to be responsible. As I sit here hoping, needing to step out of that comfort zone. It is my cage, my limiting beliefs, my fear. I use food to try to keep myself in my comfort zone. To squash the desires to step out and to consider that there is another way to be.

My fear is huge. Lots of it. Fear that I will be a failure if I put my own self care first, that all of the things I need to do will pile up undone showing all of the world what a failure I am. I am scared that if I stop trying to hold it all together, it will all fall apart. My whole life -- like the sky is falling. Like everything I know about who I am and how to be in the world is wrong. I feel lost at sea without a map. I feel scared that there is not really a there there. I want some assurance that it exists. I want a role model so I can see it in action and believe that it works.

This journey now needs to rely on some faith and some trust, that it will work out somehow and someway. I can make this happen. I am making this happen. I will be OK, my life will be OK. There is a path to a different way. I am seeking out support in this - friends and books. Things to help me shrink the fear. Things to remind me that it is only fear. The fear of having my story of life change and feeling lost without it. But what if I am not actually lost? What if I am starting to be found? What if creating a new better story about who I am and how to live is the answer?

Face the fear and do it anyway. Garner up support. Find reassurance -- it is OK to need it right now when I am feeling a bit fragile.

I am grateful to have started reading The Not So Big Life: Making Room for What Really Matters. The introduction speaks to me today.

"Any of us can wake up from the overstuffed lives we are leading and make room for what we long to have time for. It's possible to take the blur that is modern life -- the obligations, the messages to return, errands to run, and family and friends to squeeze in there somehow -- and slow down so we can actually be there is what we're doing. It's possible to start living a Not So Big Life of full, rich, vivid moments where everything that happens to us is experiences fully, and where spirit and connection have room to thrive... you'll discover that you too can pursue the aspects of your own nature that aren't being lived but that yearn for liberation."

The Antidote

2010-07-21T12:13:00.001-07:00

I am very grateful for the supportive people in my life who help and support me when times get rough. Early this morning and last night ll I wanted to do was run away from the constant demands on me. I wanted to end this cycle and get far, far away from it. I wanted to be done, but that doesn't allow me to grow and practice the skills I need to be able to be the me that I want to be.

Somehow it always comes back to good self care. I need that above all else. I need to make the decisions in the moment that honor myself and my life. I am grateful to my coach who helped me come up with the following daily questions to ask myself to help keep me on track.

1. Are you rested? If not, what are you going to do about it?
NO!! Go home and take a nap and maybe go to a movie.

2. What are your expectations for the day? Are they realistic?
Rest! Yes, now that I decided to rest and make getting emotional stable my expectation.

3. What are you going to say no to?
Guest teaching next Wednesday in the summer institute.

So here I go, stepping a toe into a new world where I put my needs first above all else and take the steps to be the person I want to be. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel scared to death -- scared their will be bad consequences, mountains of things undone, people being upset or mad at me. I wish it wasn't so hard. Yet I also feel a small glimmer of hope that there is another side to this.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this.

Asking Too Much of Myself

2010-07-21T04:54:00.000-07:00

I consistently ask too much of myself. In my job, in my family. I have a full time job as the director of two programs, I make time to be there for my kids, and take care of things at home.

I struggle to do it all. Being there for my kids is important for me, so I make time to volunteer at preschool, to pick the kids up early to take them swimming, to take them to playgroup. I want to spend significant amounts of time with them and to create fun and lasting memories for them and for me. Yet I struggle to find time to get them swim lessons or to figure out the logistics of getting them to and from school. And I am very lucky, as I have the help and support of both my parents and my in-laws to make this work.

I work in public education. I have for about 14 years -- as a high school science teacher for 10 years and as a teacher educator for 4. Public education in California is a world of high vision and limited resources. It is a world where people take on more and more with less and less because they care, they care about the students. My vision is large. I care a lot. I know that the children in this state and this country deserve more than they are getting right now.

I would like to see the following.

A quality education (especially in math and science) for every child.
Quality teachers in every class for every child.
A school system that supports quality teachers doing the work of education students.

I want to change the world. I work hard. I make things happen. Yet there is a cost. I ask too much of myself. I ask too much of others. The work becomes unsustainable. I struggle to ask for help -- especially from other people who I know are also overworked and don't have a capacity to take on more like my bosses or my spouse and my staff.

I find myself with questions such as "Do I go to yoga or do I have breakfast with my friend?". The truth is I want both. I need both, yet my life doesn't support both right now. I struggle to find time to fit in things like getting a haircut. I squeeze in too much, the schedule is too full and too tight. What falls off the list is my self-care, my needs, my desires. I ignore myself to be able to continue to ask too much of myself. This is not working for me, and more and more I see that this is the center of my issues with myself and my issues food. I use food to numb the feelings of frustration with this situation so that I can continue pushing myself too hard. I use food to push past exhaustion, to keep going instead of resting. I use food to numb the loneliness of feeling like I will let everyone down if I stop pushing too hard, but wanting and needing to stop. I use food to numb the sadness that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I don't feel heard, and I feel pressure to keep making it work, to keep things as they are, to not rock the boat.

I struggle with the notion that if I just could control things better instead of letting them control me, that I could make it OK. I could make it manageable and tenable, but I think that is the same thing -- asking too much of myself, forcing myself into situations where I know it will be very hard for me to say no and ask for help with the added pressure that I have to say no and ask for help. It feels like I am telling myself that I need to be someone else, someone who can do this without question, without exhaustion. I day dream about working less -- taking a leave of absence, going part time or even quitting my job. Part time is another mine field. I did it once after my first son was born. I realized that I have a hard time setting the boundaries around how much time I spend, since my expectations of myself are high. I ended up working more than the 50% I had signed up for. I set myself up for failure.

I am not sure how to stop, and as I write that I know that is code for I am scared of the consequences if I stop. I need to stop asking so much of myself, and I am scared of what that looks like.

Is it possible for me to get myself out of situations that consistently ask too much of me? Or is this about me and my inability to set good boundaries, say no and ask for help? Will it follow me around whatever I do?

This is all in my head. When I check in with my body, what it wants is to not be exhausted any more. It wants time with friends AND yoga class. It wants a less hectic pace, less stress, more space. I really do want to change the world, but what if changing the world really starts with changing how I treat myself?

A Message To Myself

2010-07-18T21:46:00.001-07:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

28 Day Wellness Program Completed

2010-07-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

We completed the 28 day Wellness Program a few days ago. I found it to be an amazing experience in kindness to myself and my body as well as a wonderful time to investigate my relationship to myself. I feel much, much better eating well. My moods are more stable and my energy level. I was very impressed by the results after 28 days.

Weight
BEFORE: 187
AFTER: 177
CHANGE: -10 lbs

Waist at Belly Button
BEFORE: 44 in
AFTER: 43 in
CHANGE: - 1 in

Hips
BEFORE: 47 in
AFTER 45 in
CHANGE -2 in

Here are some photos:

FRONT:
BEFORE

AFTER

SIDE
Before

After

FACE
Before

After

I plan to continue to eat in Week 1 of the plan since it supports me to feel better and to enjoy my life more, and I would like to continue to work towards my goal weight. Since we finished, I have eaten a few things not allowed on the program (pizza, potato chips), but still most of my meals have been in line with the plan. It has become sort of a habit, which is helpful. I am also noticing a relationship between success and a desire to compulsively eat, which seems to be fueled by this long standing story I tell myself about how I don't deserve to have the life that I want and to define success on my terms. A better person martyr's and sacrifices herself for others. I am slowly learning to no longer believe that story. It doesn't work. In fact, I am better for others when I take care of myself and can share the best of myself.

Overall, it is really nice to know who good I can feel, and that it isn't too hard to make what I eat a priority. Also, it is the first time that a goal weight of having a healthy BMI, which for me means weighing under 150, feels like it could be a reality. As I write that I can feel the fear that I have around "being small".

It is time to re-frame that. The size of my spirit and my life is not in direct proportion to the size of my body. In fact, I imagine it works the other way -- the healthier I am, the larger I can be. I think this idea works with my work as well. My coach was telling me that I get paid as the director of two programs to "make smart, heartfelt choices for a bigger purpose". Framed like that, self-care becomes an essential part of my work as well, since I need to do everything I can to support my ability to continue to do that.

Using Food

2010-06-17T21:25:00.001-07:00

This 28 day wellness program is really forcing me to look at my relationship with food. It has been pretty eye opening. I have had a few slip-ups in the past 17 days, but overall have been doing pretty well following the plan.

I have realized one thing in this process.
Not using food is hard.

Food is my comfort.
Food is my reward.
Food is my treat.
Food is my me time.
Food is when I see people to go out to lunch or dinner or coffee.

Food makes me forget to focus on a lot of other things.
Food make me stay out of touch with myself and how I feel.

Food is my adventure.
Food is my stimulation.
Food is my relaxation.

Food lets me pretend to that things are OK.
Food lets me forget all the things I mean to do but don't do.
Food is there for me when I don't know what else to do.

Food.

I need to stop living my life around food and to start living my life.

Without food, I feel somewhat bored and long for something more.
Without food, I am not sure what to do with myself.
Without food, I feel a little unhappy.
Without food, I feel lonely and long for more connection.

I know that turning to food to fuel my body instead of to fill up my life is best for me,
but having food feels so much easier than having a life right now.

To have a life, I have to pay attention, to listen to what I am yearning for, and to go for it.
I have to be willing to stop going along for the ride and to start driving more. I have to take risks.

It makes me anxious.
It makes me tired.
It makes me afraid.

But I know, this process of healing my relationship with food and my relationship with myself will eventually make me truly myself and truly happy.

It is time to give up using food.
It is time to be me.

Not Listening

2010-06-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am good at listening to my ideas, following through, and getting things done. Other times, I get an idea and just smack it down immediately. I recently have noticed that my two favorite idea smack-down phrases are "You shouldn't need that." or "You don't really need that."

The ideas that get this treatment are the boat-rocking ideas, the ideas of wanting to do something out of the ordinary, something just for me, or something just for fun.

I ignore little impulses to play -- the desire to go swimming or to take a bike ride
I ignore healthy impulses -- the desire to lift weights, move or exercise
I ignore impulses for some me time -- the desire to go away along for a night, the desire to take a vacation when work and life gets overwhelming
I ignore big life-changing impulses -- the desire ever since my first child was born to get an RV and drive around the country

I am used to giving up the little ones. They feel different -- like I could up and do them right now if I really wanted to. There is still a chance. It is the big one that sits the hardest right now. I had the desire to take an RV to go see places, meet people, and have an adventure. We could have done it before he started school while life was more flexible. We could have made the time. Yet, I could never turn this yearning into action. I am not even sure where this desire comes from. It is not something I ever thought I would want to do. So I questioned it. "Do I really want to do that?" I talked myself out of it. "You don't need that". "I have never even been in an RV, what if I don't even like it". "How can we afford it and get time to do it?" "My husband doesn't want to go."

And now, my oldest son starts Kindergarten in 2 months. The window is closing, and I feel a tinge of regret. Maybe I should have tried to make it happen. I could have made it happen -- I could have made a plan, figured out the logistics, figured out the finances. But I didn't. I didn't allow myself to be a person who does that type of thing. Instead I watch from the sidelines by reading the blog Bodes Well of a families journey in their VW camper.

I am starting to feel it. The pain of not listening. The pain of ignoring myself. The pain of taking the easy way out and doing the "responsible" thing. It hurts. And yes, even the little ones do add up.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

2010-06-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

I got this in my email inbox today through my CharityFocus.org email list. This speaks to me today.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The ride you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

--John O'Donohue, from "To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings"

New Ideas on How to Live

2010-06-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months I have come to the realization that I no longer want to be exhausted. My life feels too busy, and I feel tired and overstimulated. I no longer can pretend that it is working and continue to just suck it up and deal.

I have these believes about how life should be, about how I should be, what success is, etc... that do not suit me anymore. With the support of my coach and my yoga trainer, I have started to create some new rules to live by. They started as the thing I needed to remember this week on my staycation, but I now see that they are bigger than that. They are the key to transforming my life to work better for me.

I am a boat rocker and am not just along for the ride.
It is necessary to ask for help.
It is necessary to want what I want.
Fun matters.
It is necessary to rest and relax.
I don't have to and can't solve all problems.
I can't do everything.
It is necessary to have my own point of view.
It is necessary to take up space.
It is necessary to be seen.
It is necessary to be heard.
It is necessary to take care of myself.
Just because I am good at something, doesn't mean that I have to do it.
It is necessary to not do anything sometimes.
It is necessary to let go.

28 Day Wellness Program

2010-06-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

Some friends of ours did the Cambiati 28 Day Wellness Program and had great success of feeling and looking better, so they asked us if we wanted to join them to do it again. My husband and I signed up and are doing it now.

It is pretty similar to the previous Ultrasimple Diet detox that I did a couple of times this past year. We are currently on Day 5, and it is going well. I am always surprised at how doing this does not feel like a diet -- instead it feels like taking really good care of myself. Eating good food makes me feel really good. Planning what I am going to eat really helps too. This is definitely the place where I go wrong when I get busy and I stop planning my food, and I end up eating more bad food. I like having a structure that helps me plan. I like packing my meals and saving money by not going out to eat. I like feeling good and more even in terms of energy and mood throughout my day. I like how it helps me to reduce my food cravings and how it resets my tastebuds to notice that bad food doesn't taste food. I look forward to seeing how we feel after we complete the full 28 days.

Women, Food and God

2010-06-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

I read Women, Food and God when it came out, and it really hit home for me. I see very clearly now that my issues with food are really about my issues with myself and my feelings and core beliefs. I started listening to the audio book recently, and I as I hear the words again, I know that I need to dig deeper and to really sit with myself around these issues.

The things I know so far:

I also use/abuse work. I use work to avoid feelings and to prove my worth by accomplishing something. I put myself in difficult and overwhelming work situations and continue to use that as an excuse to push myself and taking care of me to the bottom of the list.
I want to quit my job and find a new job in the town I live in. Yet every core belief and idea I have about what it means to be a responsible human being and to support my family pushes me to make that not an option and to push myself to continue to suck it up.
I always try to change myself to make the work situation easier. If only I were different, then I would be able to ... Then I try to make myself be someone other than who I am. I am grateful for a friend of mine who mirrored this back to me by saying "When you get a new personality..." It finally made it sink in how doomed this strategy is, and how hard it is on me to keep going there and to keep not accepting myself.
I eat when I get to the point of feeling like I simply can not have what I want. Last night I was exhausted, alone watching the kids, and I fell into that hole -- the hole of trying to stop wanting what I wanted (a nap) especially when it would require asking for help (someone to watch the kids). So instead I go back to trying to change me. I shouldn't want a nap, I should have enough energy to do this, I shouldn't need time for me. There must be something wrong with me because I do.
I want a vacation. I want to go away by myself for a few days. I won't plan it. Again, I judge myself for wanting that. I try not to want it. I ignore myself. I don't listen. I squeeze myself away.

What would it mean to stop squeezing myself out of the picture and to stop putting myself on the bottom of the list? What would it look like to really, truly put myself at the center of my life? What would my life be like if I put me first?

Stress

2010-06-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

I went to the dentist recently for my 6 month checkup, and I found out that in the last 6 months I have become a teeth grinder. It is not a surprise to me. I know I have been stressed more this past 5 months, and I knew that my jaw was feeling sore and popping and stuff. But, as the proud new owner of this new teeth guard, I feel like I now have a daily reminder that I need to find ways to reduce my stress.

I need to slow down the pace of my life. I feel constantly in a rush and too busy to even really be present for life. I don't want to just keep going through these motions and watching time pass.

It is time to start listening to my heart and soul -- what do I really want? It is time to consider some changes, such as changing jobs, to cut down on my commute and to save more of my time and energy for my family and myself. It is time to start imaging different ways to live my life, and what would be best.

Knee Surgery Hiatus

2010-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

Sorry to have been away for a while. This journey took a slight detour over the holidays. I had been having knee problems for over a year, and finally got correctly diagnosed as having a torn meniscus. It took a while because I did not have the prototypical injury to cause a torn meniscus, but I had a MRI which confirmed it.

I met with a surgeon who told me that I would have to wait 4 to 5 months for surgery, but then they called me back the next day to ask if I could do it the following day since they had had some cancellations, so I ended up having the surgery on Dec 30.

It was a pretty easy procedure -- outpatient, and I was only there for a total of 4 hours. I was very impressed because when I woke up I could already feel that it was better. I did not realize that I had been under constant pain until it was gone. They found an old buckethandle tear in my medial meniscus. They removed a part of the meniscus, and I was on my way.

The beginning of the recovery was rough since I was on crutches, but after the first couple of weeks I was able to get off of crutches, and in fact after 4 weeks or so I started to forget that I had even had surgery since my knee was feeling good. The recovery went well. I had my 6 week check-up last week and was given the go-ahead to return to yoga.

This process taught me a lot. First, I was very grateful to have gotten the chance to have the surgery sooner and to be willing to go ahead with surgery with less than 24 hours notice. The major thing was how much yoga means to me and my life now. I really missed it and really saw what role that yoga had been playing in my life to help me deal with my stress. I am so glad to be back.

Now I plan to continue on with my journey of getting back into my body. I feel ready to shed some more layers and to let go of more of my baggage. Over the past few weeks, I have been starting to have issues with food again, and realize that I run from hard truths that I don't want to admit to myself. It is time to start telling the truth. And one of the main truths is that I am really, really tired. I do too much and burn myself out. I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired of being constantly overwhelmed. It is time to ask for what I want and need, to stop trying to do it all and to please everyone. To stop putting myself last. To stop spending all of my energy leaving nothing left for me and my family. I found some new mantras that are helping me with this transition.

Have Realistic Expectations.
Be Nice to Myself
Think Big!! Ask for Anything!

I returned to yoga this week, and it felt great even though my body was tight. I also had a thai massage, which was great, but made me realize how much pain I have stored in my body. I realized that I tend to suffer in silence, and to just keep taking it in and taking it in. During the massage I realized that I have the erroneous belief that if I let the pain out it will hurt others. I am starting to see and understand that I can let it out and it will dissolve away and no longer be pain, and that it actually is more hurtful to me and others by me carrying it around. There will be no more suffering in silence.

I also realized that I am no longer ashamed of my hip and I ready to stop having the injury I suffered as a baby define my whole life. I have spent my life trying to hide it, trying to make up with my perceived brokenness, and now I am really accepting and embracing that there is and never has been anything wrong with me. There is a whole lot more to me than my hip, and I am finally feeling like I can move beyond it and appreciate and love my hip. There will be no more shame and hiding.

It feels like a good start to a new chapter on this journey. I am excited to see where it takes me.

Success and Failure

2009-12-31T21:00:00.000-08:00

I have been away for a while, largely because I have struggling with admitting this fact to myself and to the world.

I am very skilled at turning success into failure.

Over my life I have developed a real tendency to minimize successes and to focus on what is still wrong or what still needs to be done. This happened for me with this last detox. Instead of feeling proud of all that I had accomplished and what I had done, I focused on the one fact that still left me disappointed. Instead of honoring how far I have come in the past year in building a relationship with my body and loving and taking better care of myself, I found myself focusing on the fact that despite all of this work, my BMI is still in the obese category. Instead of focusing on how much progress I have made, I try to make myself a failure by not reaching the end point yet.

This year, I want to turn this around. I want to find a way to really celebrate my accomplishments and my progress and to not use not being at the end of the journey as a way to beat myself up and derail myself from the journey. It is time to take credit and acknowledge myself for the steps I am taking. It is time to be patient with myself to be able to make the long-lasting changes that I need to make. It is time to allow myself to be successful without having to reach the perfectionist end result first. Every step counts.

As part of a year end exercise that my coach assigned me, I went back over my year to reflect on how things went by going through my calendars at work and home, my blogs, photos etc..

I have come a long way in this journey into my body. I look forward to continuing it in 2010. I look forward to more healing and more love and self-care. I look forward to being a partner with my body and continuing to listen to it.

I started 2009 with this thought.

My word is FREEDOM. My theme song is “I’m Free” by the Soup Dragons

I embrace the world of total possibility that is out there for me. I see beyond my limiting beliefs and thoughts. I stop worrying about what I am "supposed to do" and "what people will think". I am bold and courageous and step out into the unknown terrain and enjoy the adventure, the exploration, the freedom to choose those things that make my heart sing.

I am free to be a new me.

Body and Self Care (I have made so much progress and invested a lot into myself this year. I still struggle with it not being enough though, which I know is a sign of my perfectionism and too high expectations)

· I lost 10 pounds this year by loving myself instead of dieting and beating myself up to exercise

· I took a year-long class – The Art of Extreme Self Care, although I started missing them at the end of the year.

· I attended 61 yoga classes, and went from 1 class per week to 3 classes per week.

· I got 15 massages, and try to get one regularly every other week now.

· I met with my yoga personal trainer 26 times.

· I had 57 chiropractor appointments – including 12 weeks of intensive work to fix my neck and my posture. Since then I feel like I had a new neck, and I bought ergonomic equipment for my laptop to maintain it.

· I get local produce delivery every other week from Farm Fresh to You

· I did the Ultrasimple Diet detox in August and Nov. The first time was very healing physically, the second time was very healing emotionally.

· I did the Stair Climb event for the Lung Association in Feb. It was 1.197 stairs.

· I got a physical, two dental appointments, my eyes checked and a mammogram.

· I have been having pain in my left knee since Jan. It got really injured twice in April. I have been to two orthopedic doctors and to physical therapy 4 times. I finally got a referral for an MRI, and had surgery yesterday to remove part of the meniscus.

· I went to an intense yoga class taught by Saul David Raye in SF with my yoga trainer.

· I was really influenced by the ideas of healing stories and body memories from Matthew Sanford’s book Waking, from the movie From Ambition to Meaning, from the book The End of Overeating, and the notion of the “Silent Child”.

· I use arch supports and only buy good shoes.

· I got several very healing thai massages that helped me heal a lot of my issues with feeling like I was a "broken" baby.

· I have learned that I have many limiting beliefs that are not true – sitting Indian style, and that I have illusions – thoughts of things that I think are true, which if I believe would make them true - such as I fell off the wagon

· Had a gratitude practice from

Balancing my Chakras

2009-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

Throughout the course of the Fall, my yoga trainer taught a series of yoga classes focused on the chakras. As part of the series, I did a series of meditations for each chakra and drew how I felt my chakra was at the moment, and then how I wanted it to be. It was a very healing experience, that I had been meaning to share here for a while.

The main overarching theme is that I realized throughout the series of meditations is my tendency to be too small, to not full expand into my body and beyond. To not tap into my full potential, power, and energy.

Chakra 1 -- Root Chakra -- Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation
Currently: I feel crowded and stunted. Not enough space to grow roots to grow bigger. I am starting to grow roots out of the right side of my body and have a lot of support in my life. I need more space to grow bigger in spirit. I need to believe there are unlimited resources and I can have more without taking from others.

I want to be grounded and spacious and bigger -- fully supported and solid.

Chakra 2 -- Sacral Chakra -- Water, Emotional identity, oriented to self-gratification
Currently: My water has been blocked and has created a stagnant pool with some dirt and grit that needs to be filtered. It is off balance and only a trickle instead of cool, fresh, cleansing, running water.

I want strong, clean, clean, fresh water flowing through me. I want to be a unified whole with the dirt and debris filtered out and removed from my system.

Chakra 3 -- Solar Plexus Chakra -- Fire, Ego identity, oriented to self-definition
Currently my fire is contained in a little box. I believe this little box keeps my fire safe, but it does not. It limits my fire's access to oxygen and does not allow me to fully tap into my fire. My fire needs to be unconfined.

I want to not be afraid of my fire. I want a roaring, raging sense of self (fire) that fuels me and my whole body.

Chakra 4 -- Heart Chakra -- Air, Social identity, oriented to self-acceptance
Currently: I have a full grown up heart that radiates love but it is chained to a fearful little kid heart that gets triggered sometimes, that has asthma, that can't breath and holds her breath, that is ashamed of the empathy and compassion she feels, that feels alone and lonely in feeling so deeply and caring so much.

I want to move the little one into my heart and to let her be loved by me and to let her feel safe to share her love and safe to breath deeply and know there is plenty of fresh air for all. Let the love out and in.

Chakra 5 -- Throat Chakra -- Sound, Creative identity, oriented to self-expression
Currently: My throat chakra is very constricted and as a lid on it. It is not fully open. I am quiet too much and try to ignore and shut down my inner voice. I feel pressure to stay silent to be safe. I hide.

I want a full and open throat chakra connected to my heart and all of me where I can express my truth safely, freely, and completely. I feel safe and grounded and open and connected.

Chakra 6 -- Third Eye Chakra -- Light, Archetypal identity, oriented to self-reflection
Currently: My third eye is out of balance. I am much more attuned to the outside world than my inside world. I often feel overstimulated and struggle with taking in too much stimuli and feeling responsible to do something about it. I feel pressure and crowded and like I close my third eye to myself to try to manage the flow, but that actually makes it worse.

I want a more balanced chakra with equal or greater attenting to myself -- being in tune with myself and doing things to take care of me and surround myself with light and beauty. I want to be able to take in and hold what is on the outside without feeling responsible at the expense of me. I want to feel a little more space from it.

Chakra 7 -- Crown Chakra -- Thought, Universal identity, oriented to self-knowledge
Currently: My lotus flower is small and tentative. It is lightly tethered to me, so it gets pushed around by outside forces. It is closed at times.

I want a big firmly rooted lotus flower. Strong and free and open and bright.

My Healing Necklace

2009-12-28T21:55:00.000-08:00

This month I ordered a personalized healing medicine necklace. I talked to Mbali a medicine woman on the phone and told her about what I was working on and what I wanted to heal. I received my necklace this week, and I love it. I am so grateful I decided to get it as one of the 40 things I am doing for turning 40.

Here is the description of the necklace.

Your necklace has a beautiful Lapus and silver Antique Tibetan Pendant which is complimented by Green turquoise, tiny rose quartz pearls and Turkish silver

Lapus quickly reduces stress bringing deep peace it possesses enormous serenity and is the key to spiritual attainment. It harmonizes physical mental spiritual and mental emotions. It brings deep inner self knowledge. It reveals inner truth encourages taking charge of life encourages self awareness allows self expression without holding back or compromising. If there is repressed anger or any difficulties in communication, Lapus releases these and brings uprightness and compassion in personality. It is also used for healing for respiratory system. It bonds relationships helps truth confrontation, and aids in expressing own opinion, and dissolves emotional bondage (as in your "I am broken").

Turquoise is a protection and strengthening stone for purification Releases old vows inhibitions and prohibitions It shows how creation of fate is ongoing and depends on what you do in each moment. Balances and calms.

Rose quartz is a stone of unconditional love and infinite peace. Draws off negative energy and replaces it with loving vibes. It enhances positive affirmations. It soothes internalized pain. Helps to release unexpressed emotions and heartache and transmutes emotional conditioning that no longer serves.

End of Detox

2009-12-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

I was worried that this detox would not show results physically because I did not stick to the plan as well as I did the last time. I was happy to see that there were some physical results, although this time I know that the emotional and spiritually results have been even more significant. This has been a very healing week for me. I have let go of a lot of baggage that has been holding me back.

MEASUREMENTS	Before	After
Weight	178.5	176.0
Waist	42.0	41.5
Hip	45.5	45.0
Waist to Hip Ratio	0.92	0.92
BMI	30.6	30.2

End of Day 7

2009-12-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

What, if anything, do I notice about my body that is different than when this program started?
My hips feel better.
My knee feels better.
I feel lighter, yet bigger and more spacious
I feel rested.
I feel calm and peaceful

If my body could speak, what story would it tell about this experience?

It would say thank you. Thank you for seeing me and listening to me. That you for hearing me and caring for me. Thank you for moving back into me.

How do I feel today, emotionally and spiritually?
Rested. Content. Spiritually Full. Peaceful. Calm. Connected.

If my heart could speak, what story would it tell about this experience?

Thank you for listening. Thank you for giving me more opportunity to open up and express myself.

What did I learn over the course of the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
Emotional detox is as important as physical detox.
There is enough. I am enough.
Pay attention to what I put into my body and what I do with and to my body.
Be open and present. Don't let life pass me by.
I am strong.
Big is a state of mind and not a body type.
Accept and appreciate what is, especially when it is difficult.

NOTES:
I went to San Francisco for a yoga class with Saul David Raye with my yoga trainer.

Here is the description of the class.

An ecstatic weekend of healing yoga + breathwork, transformational teachings, live music, meditation, chanting and raising the vibration!
With Saul David Raye & special guest musicians Tony Khalife, Matthew Hufscmidt, Marla Leigh & David Watts

Join us for this mind blowing, heart opening weekend as acclaimed teacher and healer Saul David Raye returns to San Francisco for an all levels experience into the teachings of holistic yoga for body, mind and spirit. Saul’s programs create an empowered and sacred space to explore your being and awaken the deep dimensions of life energy within.

According to Yogic science there are five main levels or sheaths of energy that comprise the human being. During these immersion classes, we will explore the different dimensions of being. The more we are able to access and utilize all dimensions of our energy / being we experience the fullness of life on all levels; health, peace, prosperity and spiritual connection. Atma in Sanskrit means the Self, the soul or spirit, it is the innermost dimension of our being and the essence of who we are and the source of infinite power, energy + light.

During the master class sessions you will experience a healing, creative and deep practice that weaves together asana, breathwork, energy work, chanting, meditation, kriya’s and a variety of masterful techniques to experience the overflowing energy of our being. Classes will also feature live music and chanting at different times.

It was amazing -- very intense, lots of tears, but also lots of expansion and openness and happiness to be alive. My whole body felt awake when I left. I am so glad that I went.

Detox 2 - Day 7

2009-12-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Yoga class in SF

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Yoga class in SF

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
perfectionism and judging myself about all the ways this detox was not perfect

How do I feel today physically?
Really good, light, energetic. For the first time in a long time I woke up naturally well-rested.

End of Day 6

2009-12-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

What worked for me today?
Yoga class
Thai Massage
Seeing friends
Reserving a spot to take a yoga class with Saul David Raye tomorrow
Making a physical therapy appointment

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Not eating foods not on the program.

What symptoms improved today?
My mood and emotional well being

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
I feel calm and less overwhelmed
I feel a little disappointed with that fact that my detox has not been as true to the program as last time, but this detox was a lot more about emotional detoxing than physical, although the two are related.
I feel lighter spiritually.
My right hip feels happy, and open, and joyful for the first time in my life.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
It is good to step outside of my comfort zone.
I eat when I feel like I can't have what I want.

NOTES:
Today I had my third Thai massage. The experience is changing as I do it more often. My body knows I am listening more, so it is more healing than coming up with new information. Today it wanted me to say "I see you. I hear you. I am listening." That really resonates with me on an emotional level too. There are some parts still tight in each of my hips, and my inner left thigh is pretty tight, but overall things have improved a lot. Today my right hip feels amazing and very happy. It is a very interesting experience for me since my hip has carried so much of my baggage my whole life. It is really freeing and exciting, and it makes me happy to continue to work on the tightness in my body as a part to release the tightness in my life. My left and right hips are working on developing a relationship with each other.

I signed up to go to a yoga class tomorrow with my yoga trainer. I am a little scared and nervous, but it also feels right. It will be good for me. A good way to end this detox with a new, healing experience.

My friend told me I looked at peace and calm today. It was a real contrast to the hard time I was having last night when I was totally feeling the desire to binge eat. I am seeing that I eat when I feel like I can't have what I want and I have to just accept what is happening even when I don't like it. The problem is me not even asking if it is possible to change it or get it. That is what I need to work on. Last night, the desire to eat went away when I told my truth.

Detox 2 -- Day 6

2009-12-04T08:59:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Yoga class
Thai massage
Call Physical Therapist

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
meet my report deadlines
talk to a friend

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
Keeping silent!!

End of Day 5

2009-12-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

What worked for me today?
Packing my lunch
Asking my husband for help when I felt like I wanted to eat
Dealing with the emotions that were making me want to eat

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Stop snacking on nuts

What symptoms improved today?
Sinuses are still clear.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
I feel frustrated and anxious about something at work, and I am afraid that I can't renegotiate things to work better for me.
I am grateful to work with a good staff and to start a process that will help us to move forward.
I am grateful for my kids for reminding me how to be in the moment and to let things go.
I am grateful for hearing from a former student on Facebook

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
Speak up when I don't like how things are going! It is my silence that makes me stuck.
Tell my truth, especially when it is hard.

Detox 2 - Day 5

2009-12-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Get more sleep.
Call and make a physical therapy appointment

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Express my anger and frustration to someone at work.
Stay present with myself and others

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
perfectionism and judgment of myself about yesterday

End of Day 4

2009-12-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

What worked for me today?
yoga class
seeing the doctor about my knee
bringing nuts as part of the snacks for a meeting, so I could eat according to my plan

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Stay on the program instead of eating a meal off of the program

What symptoms improved today?
My mood is better -- even within my overwhelm.
I feel hopeful that I can make the changes I need to feel better

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
I feel very frustrated and angry about something that happened at work
I feel disappointed that I ate a dinner that was not on the program, but I am trying to let it go. It doesn't have to be 100% to be a positive and good thing.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
I don't have to finish or solved the problem. The goal is to make progress.
That I may have pattelar subluxation and that is why my knee has been hurting
I need to value my time as much as my money
That it is OK to reconsider commitments if I feel that I am not being treated well in them

NOTES:
I met with an orthopedic doctor for me knee. Instead of a torn meniscus, he thinks that I have patellar subluxation, especially based on the sound that my knee makes when he was moving it around. He gave me a knee brace and he wants me to go to physical therapy again to strengthen my left inner thigh and left hip and then come back in 6 weeks.

I am struggling with perfectionism a bit in that I had a meal yesterday that did not follow my program because I have made an assumption that there would be salad that I could eat for my brother's birthday celebration, but that was not the case. Oddly, I think this is a good thing for me right now. I have been struggling with the notion that I view anything less than 100% success as failure. This is not OK, so I am appreciating the chance to give myself some acceptance for this and to not make it mean that I failed in my detox.

My coach today told me that the goal is not to solve or finish the problem, but that the goal is to make progress. This resonates with me here as well as in all other parts of my life. The expectations I have about finishing or fixing things are much higher than what I should have, and I can see that having the expectation of making progress is much kinder. There is no judgment in how much progress that way, but it supports me in continuing to work on making forward progress.

Detox 2 Day 4

2009-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Yoga class and go to the orthopedic doctor for my knee.

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Talk to my coach
Get some of the things done that are hanging over my head.

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
perfectionism

Detox 2 -- End of Day 3

2009-12-01T21:14:00.001-08:00

What worked for me today?
Packing my food.

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Stop snacking on nuts at night.

What symptoms improved today?
Congestion is gone.
I feel clearheaded and more able to concentrate.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
Grateful to my husband for shopping and cooking.
Tired of feeling too busy and overwhelmed.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
I used food for my comfort, fun, and stimulation. I need to find other ways to meet those needs.
I have to tell people the truth of how I feel and how things are going for me.

Detox Day 3

2009-12-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Take downtime between my commitments today.

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Take downtime between my commitments today.

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
I can do without my tendency to keep pushing and doing without checking in with my body and spirit,

Detox 2 -- End of Day 2

2009-12-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

What worked for me today?
Thinking about what I could do to make things better
Focusing on the big picture
Yoga class
Thai massage
Music

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Remember to take the supplements at lunch and at night

What symptoms improved today?
My sinuses feel less congested
I have more energy
I feel less bloated

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
I feel hopeful and more positive.
I feel like I am letting stuff go
A few times in the day I felt nauseous

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
I need to listen to my body and my spirit.
No matter what is happening I can always take the point of view of how I take care of myself within it?

NOTES:
I learned that heat makes my knee feel worse after the ultrabath last night. I should ice it more since that helps.

I had another thai massage last night after my yoga class. It wasn't as intense as the first one, but still allowed me to listen to the messages from my body at a deeper level. This time I felt more relaxed going into it and I feel really committed to letting go of my toxins and my baggage.

This time my right leg went first. It wants me to say "Thank you" to it and is saying "See, I told you I was strong." I am amazed at how much it has healed. There is still some tightness there, but it has released so much of the intense baggage I have been carrying my whole life. I am still amazed sometimes at how loose it is now and how at peace it is.

My left leg is doing better. I am still having issues with my knee, but have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on Wed to learn about my options. It wants me to say "I am sorry" and "Please forgive me". It is not fully engaged -- I feel like I am missing the front part of the hip so will work on getting that part opened up.

My stomach is the part that wanted to start this detox. It was ready to get rid of toxins and baggage. I am glad that I listened to it, since my attitude has improved a lot from eating better the past few days.

My lungs started to feel more spacious this time as well. It feels like I hold onto my little kid asthmatic lungs that make it hard for me to breath instead of breathing into large adult sized lungs. I got a feeling of how big the space is to breath and that I am not accessing all of the space I can.

The bigger picture is that my body trusts me know. It trusts me to listen. It trusts me to know now that my mind lies sometimes and that I should not always believe it. That feels really good.

Detox 2 -- Day 2

2009-11-30T06:26:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Go to yoga class.
Get enough sleep

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Get enough sleep
Set realistic expectations
Get my week in order

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
That I am behind and I can't catch up

Notes:
Owen came in and woke me up at 4am last night. I had a hard time sleeping after that. Was thinking about my surgical consult and whether or not I need to reschedule or whether or not I can skip a meeting at work. And then pondering all the things I need to do, but finally was able to let them go and go back to sleep by telling myself "I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you." Those words are very powerful. I have been using them a lot since my yoga teacher mentioned using them to work through painful spots in yoga.

I read the affirmation on my calendar today. It said "I look forward with joyous anticipation to each day. Life is good!" It made me kind of sad, since I am not fully there today. There is some dread and overwhelm and wishing I could just go back to sleep and avoid it. So today I am going to take some time to look at what is making things hard for me, to take some time to tend to myself in the midst of it all, and to do as many little things as I can to make it better.

I also realized that with my extended furlough this year over the holidays, I can get 3 weeks off by adding just 4 days of vacation. It sounds nice having some space away from the demands of work. Yet makes me a little nervous since I just had 5 days off, and it has not made me feel rejuvenated and ready to be back. It makes me crave more. Although thinking about it now, I had very little alone time over those 5 days, perhaps that is what I am craving. Space and time for me to focus on what I want instead of what everyone else wants.

Detox 2 -- End of Day 1

2009-11-29T20:46:00.001-08:00

What worked for me today?
Yoga class/talking with Marleen
Cooking before the birthday party.

What can I improve on tomorrow?
Stop snacking on nuts in the evening
get enough alone time

What symptoms improved today?
My sinuses feel less congested

What did I notice about how I am feeling?
I feel disappointed that my husband is not fully doing the program with me
I feel anxious about going back to work tomorrow and feeling overwhelmed
I feel resentful about carrying too much responsibility
I feel behind and uncertain about how to feel caught up

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?
Planning is the key -- knowing what and when I will eat matters a lot, and it helps to make sure I incorporate enough vegetables.
It is OK not to eat food that is offered to you including birthday cake.
It is good to ask for support.

Detox 2 -- Day 1 morning journal

2009-11-29T08:08:00.000-08:00

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Go to yoga class.
Follow the detox -- especially @ birthday party.

What can I do to truly take care of my spirit?
Journal
Enjoy my last day off.

What toxic food/idea/behavior can I do without today?
I can do without birthday cake.

How do I feel today, physically?
I feel tired, yet excited to begin. I feel a little bloated. I feel stuffed up in my sinuses. I feel stiff from missing yoga for a week.

How do I feel today, emotionally and spiritually?
I feel excited to begin, a little sad, a little angry that the process of getting into my body takes so much work, yet grateful to be on the path. I feel anxious to go back to work tomorrow.

What else do I notice about my emotional and spiritual state that is noteworthy?
I believe I am ready to go to a new place and to shed some of my protection/shields/guards.
I am working to embrace "I want what I want because I want it."

Detox Number 2

2009-11-28T19:17:00.001-08:00

Ever since my Thai massage, I have been feeling like I wanted to detox again. I feel a desire to get more in touch with myself. I also feel like I am ready to let go of another layer of my emotional stuff around my weight and eating.

I have decided to do another detox starting tomorrow. I am excited about it. With the holiday, my eating has been a bit off -- more sweets than I prefer to have in my diet have gotten back in and I have been struggling a bit more with eating in the evening.

I know it is in reaction to me spending more time focusing on me and what I want. In fact, I have been spending a fair bit of time journaling to "I want ..." I know that some of these things are an attempt to manage my fear and anxiety.

Fear about the possibility of knee surgery. I have a surgical consultation Tues to discuss my options.
Fear about the fact that I want to change jobs. I am not sure of the time line, but I do know that my soul is calling for something else. It is time to open to that possibility and do some of the leg work to figure out what I want to do next.
Fear that I have to stop waiting and start doing. There are a lot of things that I want, that are in my control, yet somehow I don't start doing them -- like moving my office upstairs and cleaning it up.

So I have decided that it is time for a little TLC for myself and a week of good self-care through this detox feels like a good start.

Since the last detox, I have been eating well, doing yoga more often, but I still have room for improvement. In fact I was a little surprised and impressed that my starting measurements today are less than they were at the end of my last detox.

MEASUREMENTS	After Last Detox	Today
Weight	178.0	178.5
Waist	43.0	42.0
Hip	46	45.5
Waist to Hip Ratio	0.93	0.92
BMI	30.6	30.6

In my mind, I still have not adjusted to my new body. I am surprised that my jeans are big and that I wear size M shirts. I am not sure how to recalibrate my self-image.

I just did my journaling before starting the detox.

My 3 most physically toxic behaviors:

Eating in the evening when I am not hungry
Not resting
Not planning, cooking and packing my meals

My 3 most toxic habits of mind:

perfectionist/unrealistic expectations
waiting/procrastinating
judging myself and others

My 3 most toxic relationships. What purpose do they serve? What prevents you from giving them up?:

I can't manage him. I feel stuck and like I have to. It keeps me from feeling successful. I am afraid to leave my job both financially and the outward appearance of success and prestige. I am afraid of letting people down.
Doesn't let herself do what she wants. I feel "not selfish" and like a "good person", but that keeps me stuck. I am afraid of what people will think of me.
Spews negativity and judgment. Keeps me small and afraid to take risks, dream, and hope. I am afraid of rocking the boat and of being seen as too emotional and a Pollyanna.

What would your life look and feel like without these behaviors, habits, and relationships.

I would care a lot less what people think of me.

My home and surroundings would be less clutters, more beautiful, functional and useful.

I would be happier and more satisfied by listening to what I really want and focusing on my own definition of success.

I would have more time and energy for me and what is important to me instead of feeling driven by other things.

I would be fitter, calmer, and more at peace. I would get out of my own way. I would cultivate a sense of well-being at the core of my life.

Really In Touch With My Body

2009-11-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

I got a thai massage yesterday from my yoga trainer.

I didn't take a photo of me doing it, but found this photo here which gives you an idea of what it is like.

I must say I have never felt more in touch with my whole body before in my life. I highly recommend it for that reason alone. It was about a 2 hour process of getting in touch with my body as it was positioned, stretched and massaged. It was a process of trusting someone to move my body for me and to consciously be willing to let it be taken to places it has never gone before. The main message I was getting throughout the whole thing was: Just because you have never been there before, it doesn't mean you can't go there.

Throughout the massage. I keep getting messages from my body. It was a very interesting process and the most I have communicated with my body.

My left leg feels angry and neglected. My right leg gets much more attention because my hip was broken as a baby and I have used that to define myself as broken and blamed much that was wrong in my life on that. In the past year and a half, I have been working a lot on physically opening that hip up and emotionally getting past that limiting belief. Yesterday, I got the message from my left leg that it is tired of being ignored and that it was a part of the whole thing too. Yes, my right hip joint was broken when I was 6 months old and I was in the hospital in traction, but my left leg was also impacted by the situation. I babied my right leg, so my left leg had to take on more than half of the work. Also, when I was in 8th grade, I had to have surgery on my left knee to stop the leg from growing so that the right leg could catch up. This was because when my hip was broken, the growth center in my hip was messed up. My left knee had to have surgery because of my right hip, and I remember that it felt odd to walk into surgery on a perfectly healthy knee, and to wake up with knee pain and needing to recover. It is time for my left leg to get some attention. It is tighter than my right leg now, and I feel that it is carrying a lot of anger and resentment. I also noticed that I tend to do everything first on my left leg -- yoga poses, even this massage, to see how it will go before I move to the right leg. Unfortunately what happens is that I tend to think about the future during that part and wonder how it will feel on the right leg, if it will hurt, if I can do it, instead of being present to what is happening with the left leg. My left leg wants the right leg to go first so that I will actually be present to it.

My right leg wants to be seen as strong. All of this focus on my right leg and what it can or can't do has lead me to often view it as weak and to baby it. During the massage, I got the message that it is tired of being babied and wants me to view it as strong and capable. During the massage it felt like it wanted to be pushed a little harder. I also got a vision that made me realize that an lot of healing has taken place there. At one point, I had this image of a baby living in my thigh near my hip. For the first time that baby was feeling safe and loved instead of scared and alone. It made me realize that I have come a long way with that part of myself and I am letting go of the idea of being broken. That was the biggest thing in my body when I began this work, but it seems like it is time to put some energy on some other issues I have stored in my body. I feel like I am spiritually growing up.

My stomach fat is my protection and it is willing to go when it feels like I am able to stand up for myself. Part of the massage was focused on my stomach. During that time I got a better understanding of how much my fat has been my protection, my ability to keep people and life at a distance. I was able to thank it for being there to help me when I wasn't able to help myself, and to talk to it about how I am starting to no longer need it and that it is OK for it to leave. But I know to do that completely, I am going to have to listen to my inner voice more strongly and to really get in touch with what I want and how I feel. I am seeing how I try to define the box of what is OK to think about and ponder and consider, and what is not. I still live by a lot of "shoulds" and am really starting to wonder "What if I allowed myself to live differently?"

My lungs feel the pain of my Silent Child. At one point in the massage, my trainer was pounding on my back. Instantly I was brought back to being in the hospital when I was 13. It felt exactly the same as the respiratory therapy I received back then. It took my breath away and got me really in touch with my silent child, as that was the year I was probably the most silent in my life. I rarely talked to anyone and felt very alone. We had moved towards the end of 8th grade, and I was angry. I also was struggling with allergies and asthma. I would try to deny my asthma attacks and hope they would go away on their own. At one point, my mom took me to urgent care, and I ended up in an ambulance on my way to the hospital after an adrenaline shot. I still remember the doctor being mad at my Mom for bringing me there instead of the hospital and saying I could have died. I felt guilty since I know I had downplayed the severity of the situation to my mom and told her I didn't want to go to the doctor. It scares me today to think of how I didn't take that seriously and how I was so far outside of my body at that point. I ended up staying in the hospital for several days. In an instant during the massage I felt like that kid again, like I couldn't breath. There is some healing work to be done there.

My head wants to maintain control. Throughout the massage I kept having to tell myself that it was her leg or her arm to manipulate so I could relax into it. For most of my body, that thought worked really well. This changed significantly when it got to my head. I thought "this is her head", and my mind responded with "No way!". It definitely was resistant to giving itself over. It was a really big reminder of how much I used to live totally in my head and how much my ego is tied into my head and needing to feel "smart", "productive", and "in control". And how these two ideas drive my life and are attached to my ego and often push me away from my central core. It makes me realize that a lot of the thoughts and ideas I am struggling to sit with are about this. Thoughts about whether or not I enjoy my academic job anymore, thoughts about what is really, really important to me. These thoughts lead to other thoughts of whether or not it is OK to change myself, whether or not it is OK to change the rules I life by, whether or not it is fair to the other people in my life. I tend to try to not allow myself to be thinking certain thoughts. In fact my previous post "What If?" was a conscious decision to try to make a space to be able to be open to the idea of sitting with some of these ideas.

I can sit Indian Style. At one point in the massage, she pulled me up, and there I was sitting Indian Style -- sitting with a straight back with just one blanket instead of the four I needed when I first started yoga. It was a very healing moment for me and a physical manifestation of the idea that just because I haven't been there before it doesn't mean I can't go there. It was slightly uncomfortable in my right hip, but not in a bad way. In a way that felt like some things needed to stretch to get used to this new position, but it is available to me. At the end of the massage when I was lying there I had another vision. It was like bad energy, toxins, baggage were leaving my body. They looked like little smoke rings puffing away from me. It felt very healing.

I was hoping the massage experience would help me to sleep well, but I have felt oddly restless tonight instead. It feels like I am busy processing all of the messages I got from my body and accepting the truths.

The hardest one is that I find myself up at 4am pondering the idea that I probably need knee surgery and deciding to write this blog post. I have been having problems with my knee for a while, and at times it would be rather intense and I would hurt it and it would get very painful and swollen so I couldn't walk. I have been taking care of it, but it has settled into this place of a very painful spot on the inside part of the joint. It is extremely painful when touched, my knee locks up more often, and then after my massage my trainer said that she has touched a lot of knees and there seems to be too much space between the inside of my knee and my knee cap. When I last met with a doctor about it, she suggested that I may need a surgical consult. At the time I knew I wasn't ready to choose surgery since it wasn't bothering me very much, but I think that has changed. Today I realize that I have accepted this pain as normal and have decided that I just need to live with it. This no longer seems like the best option. I know it is largely fueled by fear of surgery and fear of needing a long recovery and not being able to do the things I want/need to do i.e. not being able to be productive. Tonight I keep getting the message that it is time to consider this option, so I have sent an email to my doctor to see if I can get that surgical consult. I also feel a strong sense that I am probably going to need the surgery. I am trying to accept that and be OK with it, and to know that taking care of my body is at the core of my long tern ability to do the things that I want/need to do. Right now, fundamentally I want to tell myself that I do not have to accept and live with pain.

What If ...

2009-11-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

I am not enjoying my job anymore?

I want to get out of the rat race?

I want to live outside of the box?

I am not as happy as I feel like I should be?

I don't have to know all of the answers?

I don't have to be able to figure it out?

I stopped waiting and started living?

I believed I deserved to have beautiful, peaceful surroundings?

there is more potential and opportunity than I ever imagined?

Illusions

2009-11-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

This past month, I am really starting to see how my mind tries to play tricks on me. I am realizing that things I would have simply believed in the past are really illusions.

Illusion #1 -- I have fallen off the wagon.
I was having a hard week and feeling emotionally off. The whole time I kept thinking I have fallen off the wagon, yet when I took a step back, I realized I was still on the wagon. I was still mostly following my routine and doing what I needed to do to take care of me. I was still moving, but I was having a hard time with how I was feeling. I needed to do a few more things to take extra care of myself, but instead I was blaming myself for feeling badly.

Illusion #2 -- Feeling Fat.
A few days ago I was having this feeling of feeling fat where I was believing that I was gaining weight and everything I was doing was for nothing. I would get on the scale to try to probe it to myself, but the number wouldn't show it. I would believe that my pants wouldn't fit, but they still fit fine. This feeling kept making me feel like I should give up, like I should just start eating poorly. I should just give up. I was craving donuts for the first time in years.

I can see now that my thoughts are not always the truth, and the trap is believing these thoughts. That would lead me to give up and then turn them into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Instead I am working to focus on progress and not perfection and to know deep down that I can accomplish anything I want to do. I can't expect to never have hard times, but I can work to take better care of myself during those times.

Sitting Indian Style and Limiting Beliefs

2009-10-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

Being unable to sit Indian Style as a result of the injury to my hip as a baby, was one of the main pieces of evidence I used to convince myself that I was a broken. It was how I knew I didn't fit in and that there was something wrong with me.

I can vividly remember this going back all the way to first grade during story time. I couldn't sit like all the other kids, so I had to create another way to sit on the floor. I always wished I could, but from that moment on, I have believed that I was broken and that I would never sit Indian Style. This has been the symbol of my brokenness and now I am realizing that it is the root of many of my limiting beliefs about what I am and am not capable of.

Recently through yoga, I have been getting closer and closer to being able to sit Indian Style. By putting focused attention on my hip, listening to it, stretching it, the movement in my right hip has increased dramatically. By loving it and working with it instead of hating it and pretending it wasn't there, it has transformed. All of this after I had avoided using it for almost 40 years, I babied it. I didn't trust it. I avoided it. In the past year and a half or so, I have been working with it with my yoga trainer. At times, it has been painful physically and emotionally, but also extremely healing emotionally and physically. There is a sense of spaciousness and movement in my hip that I never had before.

I know that I will be able to sit Indian Style one day in the near future. It was the thing I KNEW would never happen, yet now I KNOW it will happen. It feels like a paradigm shift in terms of how I have defined myself as broken for so long. By finding out that my key piece of evidence is faulty, I have to come to terms with the fact that my limiting belief was faulty. I am not and was never broken.

There are many other limiting beliefs floating around in my mind about who I am and who I get to be, but they feel less solid than they used to. I have a sense of spaciousness and possibility. I am so grateful for this.

Uncomfortable Feelings

2009-09-20T17:57:00.001-07:00

I have found that I have recently uncovered a bunch of uncomfortable feelings -- the ones that drive me to bad eating habits, and have let a little bit creep back in. I now see these desires for bad food as signposts on my journey telling me that something needs attention. These are the feelings that make me want to run for potato chips, ice cream, beer, chocolate etc... I want to cover them up and make them go away.

I also see them as the root of much of my escapist behaviors as a kid. I retreated alone inside of my head surrounded by music and books. Then later it became food, TV and movies too.

This time I am trying to find compassion for myself and to engage myself in conversation with these feelings. I am trying to listen instead of shove them away. It is new for me. I don't know what to do with them.

I feel tired -- tired of taking care of others at the expense of myself. Tired of being responsible and always trying to follow "the rules". I am acutely aware that I have all kinds of sets of rules in my life about how to life, and I struggle with the tension between the two versions. Much of the new practices and self-care strategies I have added to my life end up on the "doesn't count list" as they are not outwardly productive. I have a very strong desire to be productive and too accomplish things. This skews my to do lists and leads me to ignore my need for rest. It keeps me busy and often moving on to the next thing.

I am also aware of some needs that I try to submerge. I feel a need for attention, a need for acknowledgment, a need for pleasure, a need for connection, and a need for fun. I now see how food has been attached to some of this -- food has definitely been my treat, my small pleasure, my fun, but now it is not pleasurable to eat bad food any more. It doesn't work.

I am working on my new motto for the time being.

Everything Counts!

I want to get out of the two lists, the things that count and the things that don't. I want to craft rules for living my life that work for me and match my values. I want to meet my own physical and emotional needs. I spend my time, the hours of my life, every day, and I need to value my time that much. I want to be more conscious about what I choose to do and not do. I want how I feel to matter just as much if not more than what I do.

I struggle with letting go of the old, especially while I am not quite sure what the new looks like. It is time for faith and trust and patience that I will get there, that I don't need a plan or a map. I just need to keep listening to my body and soul.

What is going well

2009-09-17T06:28:00.001-07:00

I have noticed that I have a tendency to focus on what is not working instead of what is working. It is one of the ways that perfectionist thinking sneaks back into my life. In a deliberate choice to change that, I decided to make a post focusing on the positive lifestyle changes the detox has lead to.

My husband did the detox and is packing his food for lunch and dinner.
I cook much more often, and developed a routine to cook on Sat and Wed to make sure we always have good food to eat.
I eat more vegetables. Yesterday morning I got up and made mushrooms, spinach, green beans and carrots.
I shop in different parts of the grocery store -- produce, chicken, organic foods.
I am saving money -- my groceries cost less and I am not going out to eat as much.
I feel a pull to use my body more. I have set up my schedule to do yoga 3 times a week instead of once a week now, and if 4 days go by that I don't do yoga or anything my body feels off and I want to do it.
The motion in my hip is increasing.
I try to go to sleep every day by 9:30 to honor that part of me that kept saying it wanted rest every day during the detox.
I am striving for a 80/20 rule where 80 percent of my meals are in line with this new way of eating, and 20% can add in some other things like bread, cheese, etc...

I keep having two sayings pop into my head regarding this. They are Progress and not Perfection and Slow and Steady wins the race. Both remind me to be patient and gentle with myself as I undergo this lifestyle change and focus on paying more attention to and listening to my body, heart, and soul.

Detox Before and After PIctures

2009-09-10T06:52:00.001-07:00

A Slippery Slope

2009-09-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Over this holiday weekend, I have found myself upon the slippery slope of my relationship with food. I was doing well and staying on the plan until I took a trip with the kids to the aquarium on Friday. I had been still cooking up a lot of food on the weekends, and making sure to have what I needed. But, on Friday, the food was there, so over the course of the trip to Monterey I had a few french fries, a cookie and some salt-water taffy -- rationalizing that it was a special occasion and it would just be that once. But I can step right back into those old eating habits so easily. The next day here there was some pizza, then at another bbq there was a margarita and some apple pie. The problem with all of this is that now I know I feel like crap as a result. I wake up with no energy. I get a headache. I just feel yucky and find myself back on the roller coaster ride of cravings.

Thankfully, I know just what to do to turn it around, and that is to stick to the plan for a while. It helps now that my husband was inspired by me to start the detox, so we are doing it together.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I run myself ragged. I need to sleep more and rest more. Today I had a 2 hour nap, and it was awesome. Getting the rest I need would keep me from much of this eating for the short term high or energy burst. I have been aiming to go to bed at 9:30 every night now. It works really well, but sometimes it still isn't enough depending on how much my kids interrupt my sleep.

It is time to get back on track and to choose things that make me feel more rested and with more energy -- eating well and getting enough sleep.

Transitions

2009-08-30T20:32:00.001-07:00

I just cooked up a bunch of food to continue with much of the same eating plan this week. I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed in terms of getting all of the food together with everything else I need to do -- especially getting ready to teach tomorrow afternoon for my first day of teaching in 3 years. Mostly I think I just need to be patient as I reach a new equilibrium with my new schedule this Fall. My old one worked successfully for over a year, but now I have to make adjustments. I am not yet sure it will work out well, and that alone is making me a little angsty.

I had a successful lunch out today. I did not even feel like eating other things since I didn't want to lose what I have gained especially in terms of feeling a constant stable energy level and feeling clearheaded. We went to a Chinese restaurant, so I had lots of veggies and a little bit of fish. It was good, and I felt great afterwards, and not deprived at all.

Overall, I just feel tired, so I am going to head for a bubble bath and then go to sleep since I gotta get up early tomorrow, and I don't want to start the week out tired.

Reflections on Day 7

2009-08-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was having mixed feelings about this whole process and was wondering if it was really worth the effort. As I thought about what was happening, I realized that it was the main fight of my life being played out again over this.

One part of me wants to take care of me and my health and wants to make sure I feel good. That part wants to continue on this path towards being the healthiest me I can be. This part is run by how I feel and is much more in touch with my body.

The other side of me is all about doing and effort. It is the one that was judging this process as being too much work, the one that was seeing all of the things I didn't get done because I was doing this -- laundry, cleaning house, essentially anything else in the evening. That side was feeling like this was all too much commitment, it would take away from the other things I need to do, and I can't afford to devote that much time and energy to myself, to shopping, cooking, meal planning and packing. This part is run by my brain and what it thinks I should do. What the body feels is not important.

Sitting in the bath last night, I heard very clearly that the first part of me (who is in line with my little inner Nicci) is not done. She wants me to do this process a little longer. We have touched the hip and the allergy shots, but not the asthma. I was having feelings that there is still work to do around my lungs. To honor the other part of me I will see where I can carve out some more time -- I won't do the bath and sweating every day -- especially if it is at the expense of sleep. That is the one thing I learned loud and clear this week -- I don't rest when I need to, and I don't make sure to get enough sleep.

I also had an amazing realization. I looked at the back of my thighs and realized that my cellulite was gone. The lumps that used to be there are not there. Even I am shocked that after just one week that would be possible.

This morning I took all of my measurements. Here are the results. I am impressed both by how much better I feel, and by the actual physical results after just one week.

MEASUREMENTS	Before	After	Difference
Weight	182.5	178.0	-4.5
Waist	43.5	43.0	-0.5
Hip	47	46	-1.0
Waist to Hip Ratio	0.93	0.93	0
BMI	31.3	30.6	-0.7

I scored a 20 on the Toxicity and Inflammation Quiz which is mild toxicity.

I am very pleased with these results, and plan to continue. I will shop and cook today for this week.

Detox - Day 7

2009-08-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, I made it to the last day. And my husband is home now! It feels like a good accomplishment to have made it to this point. I look and feel better and I am on the verge of some really good lifestyle changes. I now see the relationship between what I eat and how I feel in a new way. Foods that used to seem good now have another criteria -- how will this make me feel?
I got up today early with my 2 year old. Did my yoga and then my journaling.

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Rest
Yoga

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Rest
Yoga
Have Fun

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

Not letting myself rest.
Doing too much.

How do I feel today, physically?

Stronger, healthier, more even energy levels, clear headed, my hip feels more flexible.

Packed my lunch, which was helpful.
Cooked more tonight -- summer squash with garlic and oregano.
I am not a big fan of the black bean salad. I should make another one since I don't enjoy eatin it.
I did a little bit of restorative yoga this evening and then my journaling

What, if anything, do I notice about my body that is different than when this program started?

I feel stronger and less puffy.
My clothes feel a little looser.
I feel warmer when I exercise.
My sinuses feel clearer.
My skin seems better.
My energy levels are more stable.

If my body could speak, what story would it tell about this experience?

Thanks you for all of the time, care, and attention you have given me this week. I appreciate the you listened and really cared about how I felt. Please try to not to push me too hard. Thank you for spending time and energy helping me release our hip. It is feeling better.

How do I feel today, emotionally and spiritually?

I feel tired today and a bit sad. I have mixed feelings. I am proud for accomplishing the week log detox. I also feel a bit anti-climactic -- like expected more change or something. I also feel anxious about where to go from here.

What, if anything, do I notice about my internal state that is different than when this program started?

I am calmer and more clearheaded.
I listen to myself and how I feel more.
If my hip starts to act up, I address is immediately.

If my heart could speak, what story would it tell about this experience?

Thank you for the extreme self care this week. I feel really loved.

What did I learn over the course of the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

Planning and preparing healthy meals works well for me.
Sitting with what happens in my hip, listening and communicating with it makes it feel better.
I have a real tendency to push myself too hard especially when I am tired.
I don't feel deprived when I am eating well. I was not hungry doing this. And I am starting to feel that the immediate pleasure of bad foods may end up being not worth the discomfort of how they make me feel.
I can fit in 2 yoga routines a day relatively easily if I choose to do so.
Making myself a priority allowed me to accomplish this.

Off the to bath and sweating now.

Reflectons on Day 6

2009-08-29T07:48:00.001-07:00

I was out most of the day yesterday. I was around a lot of temptations at a restaurant and a BBQ. It was easy to see no since I have come this far, but it made me think about my relationship to foods for the future. Some of the foods had a stronger pull than others -- french fries, brownies, a sandwich. I will probably add back some sandwiches, but am hoping to hold off on fried foods and sweets since they tend to cause me to eat too much. I am wondering if I could adopt a 80/20 lifestyle. Where I ate like this for 18 of 21 meals a week, and allowed myself some other things the other 4 meals -- like a sandwich. I still haven't decided for sure what I will do. I am pondering going one more week like this. I am pondering adding a thing or two back in to see how that feels. The main thing I keep wanting is eggs these days. I also started reading Ultrametabolism and am pondering on switching over to that.

Eating like this makes me feel a lot better, and I really do not miss the ups and downs of blood sugar that I used to have. The biggest change would be to shop and plan meals more seriously. It is the preparation that ensures that I eat well. If I just try to go on the fly I end up making bad choices and getting too hungry. This whole week I have had a pack of almonds in my purse in case of emergency. I have only had to eat a few once, but it really helpd to know that I had something.

I am also getting really in touch with how I don't listen to and take care of myself when I am tired. I really need to work on that. I had a little bit of trouble sleeping last night. My hip was acting up again and needed some stretching after the Ultrabath. The problem with being tired is that it starts a cascade of feeling yucky, wanting to change my feelings by eating, etc...

Detox Day 6

2009-08-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

After a good night's sleep it felt good to get up and do yoga.
I did my journaling

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Rest, yoga, and cook.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Rest, yoga, and cook.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

Judging myself.

Now it is time to go empty the dishwasher and clean the kitchen a bit to cook while having my breakfast drinks and ultrashake.
Took the kids to a play date at the park and then a work BBQ.
It was very hot today.
Did my journaling.

What worked for me today?

Cooking, planning my meals and packing my food.

What can I improve on tomorrow?

Remembering to take my supplements at the right time.
Do more yoga.

What symptoms improved today?

? I have been feeling itchy today. Oddly on my arms in the location where I got allergy shots for many, many years. Wondering if it is related.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

Exhausted.
Proud for not giving into lots of temptations today.
Less moody -- especially considering I got my period today.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

I like eating vegetables, so I should cook them and have them around more often.
I do not rest as much as I need to.

Heading off for a bath after I put Owen to bed.
One more day -- but then have to decide what to do afterwards.

Reflections on Day 5

2009-08-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a hard day, but it was because I really asked too much of myself and had not slept enough. I could see very clearly how all of that lead to the feeling of wanting to eat for comfort after work. I was not physically hungry, but I was thinking of eating. It makes me realize how important sleep is, and also get me thinking about my schedule and how to make sure it is not going to sap too much of my energy. I was also feeling very behind, so I need to make a plan to be able to get things done since I really don't like feeling like I am not on top of things.

The decision to cook this morning was a great one. I went to bed after the bath and sweating last night and feel good after a good night's sleep. I am a morning person anyway, so I am looking forward to cooking more food this morning to get through the last 2 days and beyond. Today it is kind of surprising to me that it is already Day 6. I feel really good.

Detox - Day 5

2009-08-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

This morning feels pretty good. I got up (early!) to do everything I needed to do before work.
I packed my meals, and feel glad to have developed the habit and I hope to continue planning and packing my meals.
Here is the morning journaling.

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Rest and do yoga.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Don't push too hard and have fun.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

Staying up too late and not getting enough sleep.

I did go to the Farmers Market, but didn't find the asparagus I was hoping for. Got some green beans also. Tonight it my produce delivery, so that will help with cooking tomorrow.
I picked up my kids, and we had a good time at the Farmers Market. Then I came home and did yoga and put them to bed.
I decided not to cook tonight since I have food for the morning and I need sleep, so I am going to cook in the morning.
I did my journaling.

What worked for me today?

Farmers Market
Packing my Food
Deciding Not to Cook Tonight

What can I improve on tomorrow?

Sleep more!

What symptoms improved today?

post nasal drip seems gone

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

I did not sleep enough and feel tired. After work I really saw the emotional eating pull I get from being tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. It was the first time I wanted to cheat on the plan, but then remembered you were allowed to have 1/2 cup fruit or berries 1-2 times during the program, so I did that.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

I need enough sleep.
I over schedule myself which wears me down and lowers my focus on my self care.

Now I am going to go take the bath and then head to bed. I want to be in bed by 10pm.

Reflections on Day 4

2009-08-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

I stayed up too late last night. Somehow I was all stimulated after the bath and sweating instead of relaxed, and then I had to get up early to go to work today. I feel a little tired.

Other than tired, I feel really good. I feel like I have crossed the hump to this getting easier as I get less and less toxic. I had a really good day yesterday and am very glad I spent time with my sister and got a massage.

I originally planned to restock my food yesterday which I did not do since I wasn't home. I have enough food for today which I just packed up, but will need to cook more tonight. The good news is that it is Farmers Market tonight, so I can go get some produce and then come home and cook it as well as make a new bean salad. The boys will be happy to go there tonight too.

Detox Day 4

2009-08-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Today this process is starting to feel routine. I get up and do the yoga and journaling, etc... It feels good to be able to relatively easily fit 2 yoga routines a day into my life. I used to be lost in I don't have time, but this week it has been working out. It is a matter of priority, since I have been able to do it now by making this detox a priority.

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Rest, get a massage.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Rest, see my sister, get a massage.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

Impatience and trying to control the future by overplanning.

Today day was really nice. I rested a bit and didn't push myself too hard at work today. I went to my chiropractor for an adjustment. I cuddled Carly, chatted with my sister and got a massage. The massage was awesome (Thanks Anouk!) and it made me see how far my hip has come. I have released so much -- the deep tissue we did tonight would not have been possible a few months ago. I think my hip and I are finally reconciling!
I am very thankful for my Mom today as she is having my boys sleep over tonight. I appreciate it and the time it gave me to do the things I did today and so it will be easier for me to get up to go to work early tomorrow.
Here is the evening journal for today. Now it is time for another bath. I can't believe I am more than halfway done now.

What worked for me today?

Resting a bit, packing my food, cuddling Carly, seeing my sister, and getting a massage.

What can I improve on tomorrow?

Do more yoga.

What symptoms improved today?

Black circles under my eyes seem less. Post nasal drip seems to be decreasing.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

I feel good -- still calm and centered. My hip is feeling better like it has released a lot of stuff.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

Rest and listen to my hip.

Reflections on Day 3

2009-08-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Maintaining the program now feels relatively easy -- being around tempting foods is not that tempting. I have a sense that my commitment to completing this week is high.

The reactions to the detox are less intense. I feel less yucky in the ultrabath now. I am taking that as a sign that my body is cleaning up.

I am enjoying the calm that I feel. It is a stressful work week for me, and it is really helping to face it was a sense of calm instead of panic. Who new that the panic and angst was related to what I ate. I definitely feel less ups and downs.

I feel a little sad this morning. I think I am a bit tired from the week and being on bedtime and morning duty every day. The boys will sleep over at my parents tonight, so I am looking forward to a good nights sleep -- especially since I am getting a massage today.

I keep focusing on making sure I have enough food that I need. I made more ultrabroth last night and will make a new bean salad today.

I have started pondering what foods to reintroduce first after the week is through. I am considering eggs, yogurt, tomatoes.

I got invited to a pot luck BBQ for work on Friday. At first I started to worry about going, but then realized I can bring a bean salad as my dish and will be able to enjoy myself there.

Detox Day 3

2009-08-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up before my kids and got a good start to the day. This morning I decided to do sun salutations, and it was a good way to start the day.

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Do yoga in AM and PM even though I have a long day of work.
Listen to my hip.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Be gentle with myself.
Don't try to do too much in one day.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

I will let go of worrying, and focus on being present and feeling confident that I can handle what comes.

Today I am hosting a lunch meeting at work. We are getting lunch delivered, but I am bringing my own lunch to stay on the plan.
I also have a late meeting at work so I have packed my dinner to eat afterwards and then head home to get the kids to make sure I eat when I need to.
This evening I felt tired and a little bit unmotivated, but I did a yoga routine and started some Ultrabroth cooking in the crock pot.
I did my journaling.

What worked for me today?

Packing my meals and snacks and bringing them with me.
Scheduling to eat dinner before I left work.Planning to cook some more Ultrabroth in the crock pot tonight.

What can I improve on tomorrow?

Fitting in the yoga and walking.

What symptoms improved today?

It seems like my dark circles are clearing up.
My nose feels clearer.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

Today I feel a little off, perhaps a little impatient. I have this sense that I feel pretty good, but not great. and am wondering if the next 4 days will really make that much difference.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

After a stressful day of work I get the desire to eat for emotional reasons, but it is not real hunger.
Remaining calm in times of stress helps me to react to things better.

Am going to head for my Ultrabath and then go to sleep.

Reflections on Day 2

2009-08-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with a headache. I think I did not drink enough water yesterday while I was at work. I will make a point to do that today.

Last night I made my Ultrabath a little less hot and was able to stay in for the fill 20 minutes and then do the 20 minutes of sweating. This time, I had no pains in my hip and was able to go right to sleep.

I slept really well, and got up before both of my kids.

I am feeling good. I think my skin is clearing up and my dark circles are going away. I will have to see how the before and after pictures compare to be sure though.

I feel very centered, in fact, sometimes I worry that I should not be as calm as I am since this is a very busy time at work, but I am starting to realize that being calm is much more helpful than being panicked or worried. I think much more clearly and efficiently.

I packed up all my food and supplements for 2 snacks, lunch and dinner at work today. One other thing that is helping a lot is planning when and where I will eat diner and what I will eat. Normally I don't plan for that, and that leads to poor food choices.

Detox -- Day 2

2009-08-24T07:27:00.001-07:00

The nuts and bolts of each day are the same, so I am not going to repeat the details of all of the supplements and food plan. Instead I will share my journaling and share other thoughts.

When I woke up I had goose bumps and felt like almost a hot flash feeling.

This morning I did my strength and balance yoga routine. My body felt really warm while doing it.

I did my morning journaling.

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?

Follow the program -- especially yoga and walking. Rest if I am tired.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?

Take it easy instead of pushing too hard. Ask for childcare so I can go to yoga class.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?

Expecting too much of myself.

The rest of the day went well. I got my walking in by walking to the restaurant for lunch. I was so grateful to have chosen Herbivore, as I got the perfect plate of detox food there. I had to take a picture of it -- beans, brown rice, and veggies. It was delicious.

I asked my in-laws for childcare so I could go to yoga class and they said yes. That made me very happy.
I steamed some more veggies -- beets, carrots and broccoli. Am loving that feature of the rice cooker. It makes it so easy.
I went to yoga class, and it was just what I needed. Although things got a little intense between me and my right hip there. It is a good intense though. It feels like it is opening up more, but it also feels scary.
After yoga class, I did my evening journaling

What worked for me today?

Planning ahead and asking for help. Talking with a supportive friend.

What can I improve on tomorrow?

Stop worrying about whether or not the plan will work and trust it and myself.

What symptoms improved today?

I am still feeling rather clear-headed.

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

This morning I felt like I was oozing toxins.
I feel a real sense of calm.
My right hip is a little sore, but I can feel that it is loosening up a lot.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

Just because food is there, it doesn't mean I have to eat it.
When I get out of my own way, things fall into place.
That if I listen to my right hip and communicate with it, we can work things out.

After I post this, I am on my way to my Ultrabath.

Reflections on Day 1 of Detox

2009-08-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

Last night with the restorative yoga, ultrabath, and sweating, I got in touch with my impatience. 20 minutes seemed long to me. After about 7 minutes of yoga I started feeling like I should be done (but I did keep going until 20 minutes). After 10 minutes in the ultra bath I was starting to feel lightheaded and yucky, so I got out. After about 12 minutes of sweating I felt like it should have been over(but I did keep going until it was over).

After all of that, I felt some tension in my hip, so I worked it out with a tennis ball until it felt better and I then went to sleep. I slept very well, and woke up early this morning -- although that was a bit aided by a 2 year old son who was crying since he wet the bed. I tried to go back to sleep, but felt alert and awake and decided to stay up.

The feelings in my hip yesterday really reminded me that I was drawn to this detox for a physical cleanse to try to get rid of unhealthy eating habits and food cravings, but I was also drawn to it for an emotional, spiritual and mental cleanse as well. I want to let go of bad habits -- like judging myself and rushing. I want to let go of not listening to my body and pushing myself too hard. I also have a lot of baggage stored up around my right hip as a result of an injury when I was a baby and what I made that injury mean about me. In the past year I have been working to release it, but there is still some there. During this week I am making the commitment to listen to my hip. To figure out what it is saying it wants and to help it release as much as possible.

Last night after the ultrabath, I could feel my heart beating in my chest and then after a while I had the same feeling as if my heart was beating in my pelvis. It was interesting and felt like the areas was opening and changing.

I have added a goal to get up to a 20 minute ultrabath, but to be gentle with myself in the process.

Detox -- Day 1

2009-08-23T08:08:00.001-07:00

So, here is how today went.

Drank my olive oil and lemon juice when I first woke up to flush toxins from my bile and liver.
Took 3 1000mg tablets of Vitamin C
Did my knee yoga routine
Did my journaling

What can I do today to truly take care of my body?
Follow my program according to the directions.
Pay attention to how I feel and rest if I am tired.

What can I do today to truly take care of my spirit?
Be gentle and patient with myself.
Take the kids to have fun somewhere outside.

What toxic food / idea / behavior can I do without today?
I can do without not listening to myself and trying to do too much.

How do I feel today, physically? Do I feel tired? Bloated? Stiff? What else do I notice about my physical state today?
I feel warm today after yoga. My right hip is a little stiff. I feel a little tired. My neck is a little stiff.

How do I feel today, emotionally and spiritually? Do I feel stuck? Fearful? Confused? Angry? Disconnected? Why?
I feel excited to start, grateful for this week of extreme self care, anxious about how I will feel and what might come up. Hopeful about moving forward.

What else do I notice about my emotional and spiritual state that is noteworthy?
I feel open and connected.
Drank lemon juice and hot water.
Drank green tea
Took 2 capsules of probiotics and 2 capsules of liver detox herbs
Drank an Ultrashake
Drank Ultrabroth
Took 2 capsules of magnesium citrate
Ate brown rice and steamed veggies
rested
Drank Ultrabroth
Did yoga
Took 2 capsules probiotics, and 2 capsules liver detox herbs
Ate black eyed pea salad, vegetables and brown rice
Drank Ultrabroth
Took walk
Drank green tea
Did journaling

What worked for me today?

Having everything ready to go and being at home most of the day.

What can I improve on tomorrow?

It went well today, tomorrow I need to adapt to being at work and going out to lunch.

What symptoms improved today?

? -- I feel clearheaded

What did I notice about how I am feeling?

I feel more calm.
There are a lot of drinks in the morning, so I was feeling a little full at first, but it passed quickly.

What did I learn today on the program that I can carry with me into the rest of my life?

That is is OK to say no when people want to give me food and that I feel comfortable and satisfied eating less that I usually eat.

Took 2 capsules of magnesium citrate
After I post this, I am going to go do a short restorative yoga routine and then take an Ultrabath and go to sleep.

NOTES:

So far so good. I was able to stick to the program at not cheat while making my kids other food to eat and going to a friend's house.

My main worry is making sure I pack and bring everything with me to work tomorrow -- especially the supplements.

Another worry is that I am going out to lunch tomorrow. I got to pick the restaurant, so I picked Herbivore since it is a vegan organic restaurant that has menu items that are what I need to eat.

Another worry is having less time between working, dropping off and picking up the kids, playing with them and putting them to bed etc... I figure the key is to prioritize this in the time that I do have -- especially making sure to get up the 90-120 minute early like it suggests.

Today has been filled with lots of visits to the bathroom, but no discomforts.

I feel good -- rather calm and clear-headed, which is really nice.

I found out that Owen likes black eyed peas salad and Moroccan spiced broccoli and carrots.

I went to a friends house who tried to feed me dinner and cake, and I was easily able to say no and tell her why. She asked what I could have, so I drank some green tea.

Cooked Up A Storm

2009-08-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

I cooked up a storm today. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for me to follow the detox plan during the week. I now have all the food I need for the first half of the week. Come tomorrow morning I am ready to go.

I did my starting measurements and my beginning journaling.

Weight: 182.5 lbs
Waist 43.5 in
Hip 47 in
Waist to Hip Ratio 0.93
BMI 31

I scored a 94 on the Toxicity and Inflammation Quiz which is moderate toxicity.

I also learned one very interesting fact -- the minced ginger I had been using from the store that I had assumed would be minced ginger, actually contains high fructose corn syrup! I can't believe I never read the label before. I promptly put it in the trash.

I started with making the Ulrabroth. The crock pot turned out to be very handy for that. I just put everything in and left it alone all day. It turned out great. This is it before I cooked it.

Then I moved onto Caribbbean Black Eyed Peas Cold Salad

Followed by Curried Vegetables with Coconut Milk

And Broccoli with Sauted Carrots

I ended with making my brown rice spiced with garlic, turmeric, cayenne pepper, and sea salt. And steamed some brussel sprouts and kale with the rice cooker at the same time.

Ready to Go

2009-08-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

I am getting excited about my detox.

I have planned.

I have shopped.

Tomorrow I will cook -- Ultrabroth, brown rice, curried vegetables with coconut milk, Caribbean black eyed peas, and broccoli with sauteed carrots.

Sunday it will begin.

I am looking forward to the change in my eating habits and to taking the time and energy to plan for me.

I am looking forward to eating healthy and clearing out all of the toxins and baggage I have been carrying around and building up the past 40 years.

I am looking forward to the daily yoga and journaling.

I am looking forward to trying Ultrabroth. It sounds like it will be good.

I am looking forward to the daily Ultrabaths and relaxation.

I am a little anxious since it is coinciding with the week my husband is away on a business trip and the first week of classes at the university I work at.

I am a little anxious since it says to get up 90-120 minutes before I want to leave the house. Now that I write it, there is only one day I leave early, so it should be OK. I should plan what time I need to get up everyday now, so I can make sure to take care of it.

But I have planned for that. I have picked recipe and items I can cook in advance and easily pack to bring with me. I will cook on Sat and Wed when I know have time and I will make sure I have what I need for the busier days.

The biggest unknown is how much of the food my kids will want to eat. My youngest loves his vegetables -- today he said he wanted to eat frozen bell pepper strips from the freezer, so I gave him some and he ate them saying they were Popsicles. I got ingredients for some extra meals just in case.

Still on This Journey

2009-08-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

Hello. It has been a while since I have been here. 3 months, wow.

A lot has happened in those 3 months, and I am still on this journey of getting out of my head and back into my body.

Let's see...

I turned 40. The sky didn't fall, and in fact nothing bad happened. I have been feeling rather hopeful and optimistic lately. A large part of that was my sister's advice to do 40 things for turning 40. I am up to 18 at this point. I will save the details about that for another blog post.

I have continued to do yoga. Just this week I found space in my schedule to add another yoga class on Monday night. I am very excited about that. I also found that hanging my yoga routines on the wall in my entryway has inspired me to be more likely to do them in the morning since they are right there waiting for me. My body is appreciating being used more often. I am feeling more flexible and stronger.

I have continued to work with my knee injury. It really has been a good lesson for me in listening to my body, since it always gets worse if I try to push it through pain. I have seen a physical therapist, who suggested that I have some alignment problems with my gait that could be contributing. I am now consciously trying to pay attention to how I walk -- to put more weight on the outside of my foot. I got arch supports for my shoes. I am doing some exercises to strengthen my legs and to try to get my femurs to turn outwards since I am a little knock-kneed causing the pressure on my knee.

I am getting in touch with my little inner Nicci. I am hearing her more and listening to her more. Lately I am working on trying to convince her to come out of hiding and to trust that I will be here for her and support her.

I have been continuing the Art of Extreme Self Care class. This months topic about honoring your sensitivity has done wonders for me and for little inner Nicci. Honoring my sensitivity honors her and allows me to see the gifts in that sensitivity. It also allows me to be more present with myself and my wants, feelings and desires.

My taste buds are changing. I went off of diet soda almost a year ago. Recently I tried some again just to see -- wow, it tasted terrible! It was almost scary how yucky it tasted given that I used to drink it all the time.

I am becoming a more conscious eater. I read The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite by David Kessler recently, and it has changed my life. I now see that I am a conditioned hypereater. I see how my patterns of eating are linked to my emotions, and I plan to work to break the cycle now that I understand it better.

All of this has lead my to my next big project -- to do a detox. I was inspired by the book to break the cycle of cravings and to regain control of healthy eating, so I am going to do the Ultrasimple Diet to detox and get back in touch with healthy eating habits. I have been reading about it and am starting to prepare for it. It is not simple, and involves a lot of preparation, but I think it is exactly what I need right now. I plan to share the journey here as I start this Sunday. I am excited to have a reason to get back to blogging. I miss it.

Injured

2009-05-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

The other main thing that has happened since I have written is that I got injured. I injured my knee while getting up from kneeling on the ground with my kids in April. The first time wasn't too bad. I wore my knee brace and it was better in a couple of days. Then two weeks later I injured it again and it was worse. This time it swelled up a lot and I had a lot of fluid in the joint. I was out of commission for a few weeks, and still am not at 100%. I miss being able to do some of the things I want to do like yoga.

The whole experience as also pretty emotional for me. My regular doctor was out of town, so I had to see a substitute doctor. My visit with her left me in tears. She touched my knee in a few places and told me I had tendinitis and bursitis based on where the pain was. She told me the cause was overuse of my knee and that I needed to lose 50 pounds. I was having a hard time with that since overuse of the knee means that I have to be careful about exercise, so that would make it hard to lose weight. Also, there was nothing specific about what happened, why, and how to prevent it. I got an x-ray and that checked out OK except for fluid in the knee joint.

Thankfully I have lots of other support in my life, especially my yoga trainer, who was able to talk me out of some of the issues that the visit with that doctor brought up. It really triggered my broken issues again, and left me feeling hopeless, helpless, and feeling like my body just can't do it, so who I am trying to kid type feelings. It made me lose some of the hope that I would get to a healthy weight.

It has been another interesting exploration in self-discovery for me. I have realized that I am very, very impatient, and that having to take a break to take care of my knee and rehab it as pretty much akin to failure in my scoring system. I have become acutely aware of the crazy scoring system I use in my head about weight lose. It is so perfectionistic and set up for me to fail. Even writing this list, I realize that I have gotten a handle on this slave driver perfectionist voice in many other areas of my life (housework, work), but it still dominates when it comes to exercise and weight loss.

Some of the big things that I have really noticed are that riding a stationary bike on low resistance to rehab my knee doesn't count as exercise. Doing yoga at home with a routine made for me by my trainer doesn't count either. In looking deeper at the thoughts I came up with the following list.

What counts?

Hard work

Sweat

Big progress

Exercise at a gym or class

100%

The end result

Physical change

Putting yourself last -- sacrifice

Things that are hard to accomplish

Following the plan

What doesn’t count?

Slow progress made over time

Things that are easy to do

Exercise at home

Anything less than 100%

Progress towards the end results

Mental and emotional change

Putting yourself first – prioritizing

Things that are easy to accomplish

Adjusting the plan

It feels like it is time for an attitude adjustment.

An Inside Job

2009-05-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have been AWOL for a while. For the last 10 weeks or so I have been focusing on my spine, and more specifically my neck. After getting as far as I could with my posture through massage and exercise, my massage therapist suggested I go to the chiropractor.

About 10 weeks ago, I made an appointment and got checked out. The first thing we did was to work my way up to a 12 mm lift in my right shoe since my legs are different lengths. The lift process was pretty easy. We started small and worked our way up each week. For those of you have read my whole blog and know my history with my hip, this was pretty emotional work for me at times. In some ways it felt like I finally got the after care I needed from my surgery at 13, now at 39. Seeing an xray of my right hip joint also helped me to find some compassion. The ball part of that joint is small and disfigured, yet it has been there with me through my life allowing me to walk, bike ride, etc... I felt very grateful for that, and for finding some gratitude for it instead of the hate I used to have for it. It has also helped with my posture a great deal as my pelvis is now much more aligned.

Here is a new posture photo.

The harder part of the work was to get my neck aligned. Seeing the before x-rays made me realize that my neck was not how it should be, and I decided to go for the treatment program to get it back to where it needed to be.

Here are the before x-rays. The red lines are my neck and the black lines are a healthy neck.

As you can see, my neck was not curving in the correct way and was also to the side. Over the 9 week period, I visited the chiropractor 4 times a week and id exercises, got adjusted and then did traction on my neck. I should have taken a picture of that. I worked my way up to 20 minutes of traction.

So after nine weeks, I got new xrays and here are the results.

I was so impressed to see the improvement. My neck is almost back in line side to side and the curve has improved a great deal. Most notably, the pain I usually had in my right shoulder is gone. The range of motion in my neck had improved. My neck feels more spacious, and I feel taller.

Although the progress was really great, it was recommended that I do 3 more weeks to make sure that the neck will stay in position. I am about two thirds done with that and look forward to seeing the results. I am proud of myself for making this commitment to my body and for how much better I feel.

The Silent Child

2009-02-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

I talked with my trainer this morning about my anger and frustration. In that conversation I came to realize that there is a little bit of anger now but that it is intensified by the ties to past anger about putting everyone else above myself. That made me realize that the real message here is all about honoring and expressing my truth and my experience of life, which means feeling and allowing all of my feelings and not letting other people tell me how I feel is wrong or unacceptable.

Just a bit ago, she sent me this description that she found in one of her books.

Visuddha—Throat Chakra Archetype—The Silent Child

This archetype has not had positive feedback when it voiced its needs. These individuals have difficulty with saying anything, let alone voicing their needs or opinions. It has had its need to express anger, hurt and frustration suppressed, and is afraid to express their feelings. They bottle this up inside, and it may be channeled into creative areas, but often will lay there and fester resulting in a person who is depressed.

The silent child will suffer without ever expressing its pain or hurt. They may have been abused, and scared into silence. Often as they grow older, they will dampen their pain with drugs, alcohol, tobacco and food.

“The throat chakra is very delicate and when the silent child suppresses its vivacity and life force it makes this—center and all the others as well—contract, imploding energy which is meant to be expressed. The throat gets closed off when the silent child swallows words and feelings.” --Chakras and Their Archetypes—Ambika Wauters

The silent child will hold back expressions of feelings for fear of rejection or punishment. Their fear will keep them silent rather than face the need to voice anger, pain or frustration. This archetype will live in silence feeling that those around them do not care how they feel. The Silent Child will often lie to cover up and protect itself and feel even worse because of the resulting loss of integrity, etc. It can take years of care and gentle persuasion to get the silent child to express itself.

If years of suppression have occurred the throat will become the focal point for all types of throat related dis-ease. From tight throat and neck muscles to the chronic sore throats, even mouth and jaw related problems. Some silent children will try to express themselves through acting, singing or dance, to act out their suppressed feelings.

“Self-pity is often the result of not being listened to or being believed. The Silent Child needs to express its inner reality and communicate its sensitivity to find a positive release for itself. This is how to transform the pain.”

It so fits me and my life that it is rather scary. As a kid I didn't say much and I worked pretty hard to try to be invisible. I was even so shy that I would not ring doorbells on Halloween to go trick-or-treating. My high school yearbook is full of comments about how I didn't talk or how if I did talk I talked to softly. This is a large part of how many of my friends could not believe I became a teacher.

Reading this description that she sent me makes me very confident that we are going down the right path to self love and self care. It is time to focus on my Throat Chakra.

I Will Be Climbing 1,197 Stairs

2009-02-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

I have signed up for Climb California San Francisco on Saturday March 28th. The event is a 52 story stair climb to benefit the American Lung Association in California.

As an asthmatic myself, I am very drawn to this cause. I struggled with asthma as a child and teenager and have had many adrenaline shots as well as one trip in the ambulance. I know first hand the importance of teaching kids how to manage their asthma so that they can lead active lives. This is one of the big reasons I decided to do this event. I want to support asthma education as well as the other causes that the Lung Association promotes including advocating for better air quality and funding research to cure lung cancer.

As part of the climb, I have been asked to raise money for the cause. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help support me in this endeavor by making a donation. Also, if you want to dedicate your donation to someone who has or had lung disease, please let me know and I will add their name to my shirt on the day of the climb.

To get a sense of this event, please check out this video.

Thanks for your support.

Anger and Self Care

2009-02-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by this mandala this morning. I have been feeling troubled and was struggling with what to do. So this morning as my mind raced, I decided to follow this advice to turn inward. I grabbed my journal and I started writing. I found a bunch of anger and frustration. A bunch of fear that my life as set up now is unsustainable with a true focus on self care for me.

I try to do too much.
I am angry about trying to do to much and not having time left for me.
I don't like being angry.
When I am angry I abuse myself by pushing too hard, eating poorly, and/or not exercising.
I try to erase the anger, but I erase myself in the process.
I can't do that anymore.

This morning I had an insight.

Allowing myself to be angry is self care.
My truth matters even if it is angry.
My truth matters even if other people don't like it.
My truth matters even if it is hard and the solutions are not obvious.

The question is now, what to do with it?
I am so used to hiding it, holding it in, pretending it is not there.
Changing myself to not be angry instead of addressing issues in my life.
What if I tried changing my life instead? What does that mean?

This is uncharted territory.
I fear change, yet I need it.
I am impatient with the process.

Trust, Nicci. Trust.

Posture

2009-02-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

About six months ago I hired a trainer and a massage therapist to work with me. I began this journey of getting out of my head and back into my body. I wanted to improve my relationship with my body. Much has changed in the past six months. And one sign of real progress is my posture. Here is a photo taken when I started.

When I started, I had no idea that my posture was so lopsided. I couldn't/didn't see it in the mirror and I couldn't/didn't feel it in my body. This picture shows me that my right side was so slumped and turned in. My right foot and leg were also turned in.

Six months later, another picture was taken. I am surprised by the progress in my posture. My shoulders are much more even, my right foot points straight. My right side is no longer as slumped over and turned in.

I feel taller and stronger. There is space in my body in places that there was never space before -- especially my right side and my hips as my flexibility and range of motion continue to increase.

Not Listening

2009-02-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

In the past couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time hanging out in some old patterns. I worked two weekends in a row with a retreat one weekend and a conference the next, but then instead of taking time off during the week I felt pressured to catch up on the work I didn't get done because I was away from work doing work. As a result, I stopped listening to my body and my needs. I moved myself to the end of the list and just kept pushing through each "just this one more thing".

The good news is that I now think that life sucks. I used to live it every day, and it was wearing me out without me even noticing. Now I can see it, I hate it while I am in it, but I still have a hard time getting out of it when it gets really bad.

The number one red flag is Not Listening.

The desires were there:

I need a break.
I want a vacation.
I am done.
I need a vacation.
I want to run away.

They were met with resistance:

You can't.
Just this one more thing.
You have too much to do.
You can't cancel the things you are supposed to do.
No.
There is no money.
It is bad economy.
You have been gone from the kids already too much.
There is no time for you.

I find that the answer is so simple.

Nicci,

Please listen to me.

Love,
Nicci

There is always 5 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, or even more to spare. But to see that my well being has to stay on the top of the list, instead of slipping down off of the bottom of the list.

I acknowledge my progress. The connection I have developed with my body no longer allows me to live that life consistently, day after day, every day any more. I am so grateful for that. I am still growing the connection between mind and body, I see that I move back into my head in times of stress when it is my body that could help relieve the stress. I continue this journey to wholeness.

Time to Regroup

2009-01-30T20:49:00.001-08:00

The month of January has brought many ups and few downs for me. I have been slowly putting the pieces in place, but sometimes it still feels like a house of cards and that a slight breeze knocks it right down. Each time it falls down, there are some inner demons trying to tell me not to put it back up. That I am never going to keep it up, so why bother. But I know that each time I put it back up it will get stronger and stronger.

UPS

I exercised more regularly the first 3 weeks of Jan than I have in a really, really long time.
Doing my exercise was fun.
I have been making more and more healthy eating choices, especially at my retreat even though I was surrounded by lots of food and desserts.
I had been doing some new hip stretches that my yoga trainer gave me and my hips were feeling much more flexible and spacious.
I had listened to nightly meditations for myself every day.

DOWNS

When I came back from the retreat on Sunday, I had to take my son to the ER because my other son had sprayed him with cleaning spray. I chose to focus on taking care of him instead of me.
Being gone from work for the retreat left me feeling behind, so I chose to put my work first and to not take time for me.
My husband did the grocery shopping and returned with Ramen, Spam, nacho cheese dip, frozen pizza and taquitos - definitely lacking in the healthy department. I chose to wait several days to go shopping for which resulted in a few poor eating days.
My left knee is hurting -- like it may be sore from hyper-extending. I am struggling with whether to rest it or to exercise it. And then struggling with whether or not I am just using it as an excuse to choose not to exercise.
I am tired. I have been going to bed early but I still feel tired.
I lost my food diary.
I quit listening to my meditations.
I had to miss Sunday yoga because of the retreat last week and will miss it again because of a work conference this week.

Today I am working on getting back on track. I am having a little bit of a hard time, but none of these things are reason to quit.

I started a new food diary this morning.
I went grocery shopping to buy the foods I want to eat.
I am cooking and planning my meals and snacks.
I am struggling with what to do about my knee. I will wear my knee brace tomorrow and see how it feels to exercise it.
I will listen to my meditations again starting tonight.
I now see how I give up self care when I need it most -- under times of stress.

Signs of Change

2009-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

Just a little bit ago, I found out that my niece is being admitted to the PICU today. She has not been feeling well, and they are not sure why. Today is her 1st birthday. I was overcome with emotions -- sadness, helplessness, anger, frustration.

Then there was a little voice. It said "Let's exercise."

I was surprised and a little excited. This is a very atypical response for me to this kind of emotion -- my first step is to usually turn to food or to get under the covers for a cry. This is a definite sign of change. I had not done my interval training yet today, so I put on my shoes and headed out. It is a beautiful day out there and I was able to process some of the emotions. It is still hard, but I know I can't change what is. So I am back to the message.

It is what it is. What now?

When I got back the answer to what now was to sit in a chair and listen to the song I Will Be Gentle with Myself. Then it was to see if I can get my in-laws to watch my boys longer so I can head over to the hospital to see my sister. Then it was to write this blog post.

My ability to love and care for myself is increasing. I want to recognize this moment.

Tennis Balls and Trigger Points

2009-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

With the recommendation of both my massage therapist and yoga trainer, I have been using a tennis ball to work on the trigger points in my hip the past few days.

It has been a very interesting experience. Initially I was feeling an angry spot deep in my right glute. I was able to reach it along the diagonal shown below. My whole right leg went into a very strong spasm that lasted a while. During it, I just keep telling myself "It's OK, It's OK." Afterward my hip felt more open and almost like the joint had been rotated outwards.

The next morning, I work up feeling the pain in a new point. It was more on the inside in the upper back as shown in the rectangle on the picture below. That night I used a tennis ball there, and it released.

The next morning I woke up feeling it near the right pubic bone, and a very little bit in the upper back on the left side. By that evening, I was no longer feeling the one in the upper back, so I worked on the pubic bone spot and also the original spot from the first picture above.

Today my hip feels more open and also more grounded. It will be interesting to see how yoga feels tomorrow.

Listening to My Body

2009-01-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have been tuning into my body for the last few days. It is interesting to be hearing the messages.

My shoulders, chest, neck and upper back have all been incredibly itchy. I am not sure what the cause of this is, and am considering a few options -- (A) weaning Owen over the holiday break (B) stress (C) some type of allergy.
My right shoulder feels tired -- tired of carrying it all, tired of responsibility
My right glute feels angry, it is something deep inside behind the joint and then going around to the side a little bit.
My right side feels weak especially compared to the left side.

Healing Stories

2009-01-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

My yoga trainer suggested a memoir for me to read called Waking. It has been a very interesting read for me. Matthew Sanford talks a lot about his decision to live in his mind and outside his body for many years of his life after he became a paraplegic and then his journey to reconnect with his body as he became a yoga teacher. I relate to that myself as I am on my own journey of reconnecting with my body after years of living in my mind.

"With this healing story, my mom offers a way to think about the rest of my life. I must move into my head and make my mind shine. Of course this is what I want. My body feels foreign and full of pain. Things constantly go wrong with it, and it is even growing pubic hair without me. Being told that my future resides in my head, that it is my best resource, gives me permissions to leave my body behind. I will move away from it and lead with my mind. That is what I will do.

Of course, none of this is exactly conscious. I do not suddenly decide, Okay I am my mind and not my body. Instead, the drift is more subtle, slower. I pay more attention to my visitors, pay even more attention to the nurses. I let my body be turned from side to side; I do not participate. I stop listening to discomfort. I inwardly hold my breath and look outward, away from my body."

Reading this book, I am becoming aware of some of my own healing stories and what lead me out of my body and into my mind.

The big one is to minimize what happened to me. As I read this, I try to define what happened to me as not traumatic. Of course his accident and being paralyzed is traumatic, having my hip broken should be no big deal. As I was growing up, it was rarely talked about, and the message I took in was that if you pretend something is OK, it is, and if you don't talk about it, it will go away. Unfortunately, that is not really the case.

The second healing story is that I can't even remember since I was so young, so it shouldn't affect me. I hear this one getting played out again now with my niece Carly. People say it is a good thing that she is so young and she won't remember. Yet, I know it will matter. I know it will be there for her. It is there for me. All of my life the stories told about the experience were about the impact on my parents and that it was so hard for them. I used that story to convince myself that I was a burden, and that I had used up all of the neediness in my life already because of this injury.

In reading this book, especially his experiences of his body memories of his accident I now realize that my body remembers what my mind does not. Even though I was less than one year old when it happened, my body remembers what happened. The pains, aches, fear and loneliness I feel in my hip are about that experience. I am afraid of them sometimes. I eat to cover it up. I stay in my head to cover it up.

Now I may finally be ready to go there -- carefully and gently, with love and empathy for my little one. In many ways, Carly shows me the way. She shows me how wrong I was in making up the story that my parents wished they would have had a different daughter, and easier one, one that wasn't broken. I know that Carly is loved totally and completely exactly how she is and that no one would wish her away, especially not her parents.

My hip is talking to me, and I am finally getting ready to listen by giving up the stories that I tell myself to pretend this shouldn't matter.

A Mighty Fine 2009 -- Week 1-- New Rules for This Year

2009-01-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

From Cheryl Richardson's Week 1 Newsletter.

I have chosen the following rules for 2009.

Rule #2 - Be gentle with yourself. When you feel stuck, afraid, confused, or frustrated by what's happening or not happening in your life, don't succumb to the outdated belief that a "good kick in the butt" will get you moving in the right direction. Trust me. If butt-kicking worked, we'd all be thin, healthy, and rich :). Instead, choose to be gentle with yourself by asking someone who loves you for help.

Rule #4 - Make basic nourishment - sunlight, healthy food, daily movement, and soulful connections with others a top priority. You'd be surprised by how this one rule alone could dramatically alter your whole life in significant ways.

Rule #8 - Follow this simple and wise advice from Louise Hay: "Do what makes you feel good." Now, what if it were really that simple?

Moving Forward in 2009

2009-01-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

2009 is the year that I turn 40.

My initial thoughts are all trying to say that I should set a number, an ideal weight that if I weigh that amount on July 12, 2009 all will be good in my world. But I know that just won't work. I would be picking a number out of the air with no real rhyme or reason. I would be putting pressure on myself to get to a destination which then would set me up for an arduous journey where I become impatient, judge and berate myself for not being perfect, for not doing enough, and for not making enough progress.

I am not going to do that to myself. I am tired of ignoring, judging, berating and punishing my body and expecting that to help. I am NOT going to set a number. I know that won't work.

Instead, I am going to focus on the one most important thing that I know I really need to do this year -- to listen to, love, and care for my body.

In 2009, I am going to practice Extreme Self Care. To kick this off, I have signed up for Cheryl Richardso n's year long web class that goes along with her book The Art of Extreme Self Care. It feels like exactly what I need right now.

I am going to develop a different compass to use to live my life. My current compass counts success only based on what I did and did not do. It is all externally based. It takes me away from me. Instead, I am going to develop a new compass that focuses on how I feel. I will implement strategies to put my new motto into place.

Everything I do is dependent upon my well-being,
therefore nothing is more important than that.

As of now, I will start with two lists.

Things that make me feel good:

cooking and eating healthy food
yoga
eating at regular intervals
interval training
massages
resting
getting enough sleep each night
down time
alone time
time with my husband
time with my kids
time with my family
time with my friends
making mandalas
blogging
listening to a nightly meditation before I go to bed
my gratitude practice
asking for help
breathing
taking time to deal with had emotions

Things that make me feel bad:

eating too much sugar
coffee
all carb meals
waiting too long between meals
not asking for help
isolating myself
fighting with my husband and blaming him for things that are not his fault
not reaching out to friends
pushing to do too much each day
putting all of the things I think I should do, above the things I need to do to take care of me
ignoring my body
getting lost inside my head
suffering in silence
taking on too much
over scheduling
judging myself
pushing away hard emotions

Looking Back at 2008

2009-01-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

2008 in Review

It feels like a good time to look back at the past year and to see the progress I have made on this journey. Let's look back at the first sentence I wrote each month along with some other big events.

January

The first sentence I wrote was "I miss finding time to post and share what is happening with me."
I became an aunt!
I continued my life coaching, my monday motivators.
Tyler died.
I started the Awakening Joy course.

February

The first sentence I wrote was a haiku.

my father-in-law
aortic aneurysm
must have surgery

My father in law had surgery.
I made a vision board.

March

The first sentence I wrote was from the poem Walk Slowly by Danna Faulds

It only takes a reminder to breathe,
A moment to be still, and just like that,
Something in me settles, softens, makes
Space for imperfection.

My friend's baby died after only 2 days.

April

The first sentence I wrote was "Thirteen Self-Limiting Beliefs that I Need to Work on Embracing the Opposite."

May

The first sentence I wrote was another haiku.

leaving tomorrow
vacation as family
really need a break

We went on an Alaskan cruise.

June

I started this new blog with the sentence "I wanted a new space for myself."
I began drawing Mandalas.

July

The first sentence I wrote was "There was a time in my life when I would often say that I wanted to be 800 pounds."
I turned 39 and started a daily gratitude practice.
I began getting regular massages.
I hired a yoga & weight loss trainer.

August

The first sentence I wrote was "I met with my new personal trainer for the first time Wednesday morning."
I took a Mandala Healing Teleclass.
I started the Boundless Living Challenge

September

The first sentence I wrote was "Dear Chubby Me -- Thank you."
We found out my niece had a brain tumor.

October

The first sentence I wrote was "This has been one of the most stressful months of my life."
Carly had brain surgery and 75% of her tumor was removed.

November

The first sentence I wrote was "I have changed".
Obama was elected president.

December

The first sentence I wrote was "In the last few days, my office that has looked like this for the past .. hate to admit it … several years. Now looks like this."
Carly had a shunt put in.

Wow, 2008 has been quite a ride. Looking back I am very proud of myself for staying on tihs journey through all of the stressors and ups and downs of the year. I have made some good changes, developed some good habits, and most importantly changed my thinking.

2008 -- Thanks for all of the lessons your brought me as well as the love and support to make it through the rough times. You have taught me the power of presence. I will continue this journey with my body that started last June and will continue to use this blog as a place where I can focus on my relationship between me and my body. Where I can put my thoughts, my struggles, my hopes and my successes in this area of my life. I am proud of myself for maintaining my Monday motivator and my gratitude practice and will continue that into the new year. I also realize that I miss Haiku Friday and mandalas and plan to participate again in 2009.

A Message

2008-12-16T21:34:00.001-08:00

Today I was pondering my self sabotage on my commute home from work. I found a message there. A message that is trying to get through to me, to sink in...

Everything I do is dependent upon my well-being,
therefore nothing is more important than that.

Let me be willing to make the space in my psyche and heart to open up to this, to hold onto this belief and to integrate it so I can live it every day of my life.

Witnessing Love, Abuse, and Shame ...

2008-12-11T05:41:00.000-08:00

I am really struggling with my healthy lifestyle choices lately. When I last wrote, I made the commitment to going inside my hip and facing what is there. It is harder than I expected. It is mining some long, deep pain.

After talking about and focusing on my hip on Monday, it was hurting a great deal – much more than it has in a while. I decided to go do my hip routine to see if it would help, with a very gentle attitude and goal of trying to send some love to that area. Doing the routine felt good. There were times of pain and fear, but I was able to breathe through it with words of “I love you”,”I am here for you”,”you don't have to go through this alone”, “It is OK”. Afterwords, my hip felt much better, the pain was gone, and I went to sleep.

Then for the next two days I watched myself make excuses not to do my exercise. I started abusing myself with poor food choices and too much food. I felt discombobulated and emotional and felt myself having reactions that were out of proportion to the actual events in my life. I feel myself angry that this is there to deal with. I feel myself wanting to push it away as I always have.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am. I am not sure why. I was thinking about work and other things. I keep thinking about the idea that when you fall off the horse, you have to get back on it again.

I decided to get up and meditate and do my strength and balance yoga workout. And afterwords I listened to the track my trainer gave me about making a commitment.

In listening to the agreement being spoken out loud that I signed on Monday, I heard the two spots where I have the most trouble. Here is the agreement with the spots in bold.

I acknowledge that I am a unique individual with the power and the ability to create my own destiny.

I acknowledge that I am responsible for gaining the weight and I now accept the responsibility for releasing it.

I am making a fresh, new start. In the near future, I will allow myself to obtain, maintain and sustain my ideal weight. I want this, I know I am capable of achieving it, and I expect to succeed.

It has taken me time to gain the weight and I now realistically set my goals for releasing it. I am committed to reaching the weight goal I have set for myself in a safe and healthy manner. I truly believe I am capable of accomplishing my goal. I have the desire, determination and self-discipline to stick with it until my goal of a healthy, attractive body is my reality.

I not consciously and subconsciously accept my weight goal as one of my most important and desirable goals.

I am persistent, yet gentle with myself as I move toward the achievement of my goal. I am releasing all negative and undesirable attitudes I have about myself, as well as the negative attitudes I have about others. I am committed to following the section plans, knowing as I take action, change takes place.

I am restoring a sense of well being and harmony for myself on the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual levels, so change can take place, bringing into balance my entire being.

I am creating a positive reality for myself and I am proud of myself. I am doing this for myself because I love myself and deserve it. I am interested in my future for I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

Through the course of this morning, I am starting to realize that what is stored there is shame.

shame n. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace

It is shame. I carry shame that my body was not “perfect”. I carry shame that I caused “trouble” for my parents. I carry shame that I am “different”. I spend my life trying to hide it, and now that I get closer to it, that hiding is bigger than the fat to cover it up. It is the part of me that thinks I would love to lose weight if I could do it in private where other people would not notice and comment. It is that part of me that starts to want to avoid people seeing me exercise. It is the part of me that does not want to attract any kind of attention, because then people will find out. They will see my unworthiness.

I am face to face with the messages of my childhood – pretend that nothing happened, pretend that everything is OK. Act normal. Don't let people find out. If we never talk about it, it won't be there.

This next step involves me breaking all of those rules. It involves me giving it a voice. It is here. It affects me. It is painful. It is who I am. It is OK to acknowledge it, to show it, to talk about it. Instead, I have turned my whole life to be about doing things to make up for this shame, this guilt and unworthiness that I carry. My body makes me unworthy, and I have to make up for it by doing. I try to be worthy by putting everything else first, and that is why I struggle with making this my most important goal. I want to squeeze my kids, my work, my home above this. In my old rules, those activities earn worth, this doesn't. This is selfish, and really this should not be necessary, because of course, nothing is wrong and everything is OK. This thing happened to me, but it is no big deal, and has no impact on me.

As I write that, I realize it is twisted. This journey to myself earns real worth based on self love and acceptance. Deep down I know there is nothing to feel ashamed about. It is not my fault, it is not all defining about who I am, it just is. Yet I still have a little kid inside of me who is really, really scared and feels so alone in this. I need to support her with kindness and love as I continue to take the steps on this journey. Have patience and faith little one, we will get there one step at a time. I will not abandon you this time.

Progress Towards Spaciousness

2008-12-08T20:26:00.001-08:00

(1) In the last few days, my office that has looked like this for the past .. hate to admit it … several years

Now looks like this.

The biggest change is my desire for open space. In the past I was all about storage and how much stuff can I cram into a small space. Now I want less stuff and more space. It feels much calmer.

(2) I had a dinner party at my house for my bosses, colleagues, and employees. This is so out of character for me. I tend to avoid it by feeling perfectionist about it and like I will be judged. This time around since we have grown a lot lately as an organization it felt like time. I finally just picked a date and put it on the calendar without having to have a clue what I was going to do. People started offering to help, and I decided to take them up on it instead of falling into the trap of having to "Martha Stewart" everything all by myself. In the end, it was fun, and not even too stressful. Everyone came. It was nice to meet the spouses and children. It was nice to not feel limited by my introverted tendencies. At times I was a little overstimulated, but I could retreat into preparing something or checking in with one of my kids.

(3) I have gone through a lot of ups and downs lately with my healthy lifestyle program, and lately have been struggling to maintain my exercise program. I have posted before the back story of the issues with my hip. Interestingly, through my yoga I am starting to get more mobility in that hip and it is feeling different – like a sense of spaciousness that I never had before. It felt good, so I asked my trainer for a yoga routine to work on the hip. I did it once, and was overwhelmed with emotion – fear and sadness. It feels like there is a lot of old baggage stored in that hip, and I keep resisting going inside and unpacking it and releasing it. Today I feel recommitted to that work. I know there is a deep healing inside there, and that a big piece of my shell of limitations are all of the definitions and rules of who I am and who I am not that I have given myself because of my hip.

I am broken.
I am undeserving.
I am a burden
I have to make up for it and the trouble I caused my parents.
I am nonathletic.
I can't do sports
My body won't support me.
I have to hide and cover it up.

I feel like I am at the edge and I need to find some courage to jump in and swim in this new pool. There are lessons in there for me. There is freedom from the limiting beliefs.

I looked up hip in Louse Hay's You Can Heal Your Life Book and I found these affirmations.

Hip(s)
*Carries the body in perfect balance. Major thurst in moving forward.
*Hip Hip Hooray – there is joy in every day. I am balanced and free

Hip Problems
* Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to.
* I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.

I feel like I am “making space” both physically and emotionally.
It feels good, although a little discombobulating.

And now with the help of a dear, supportive friend, I have some new ideas to put in place.

I am whole, and I am learning to accept and love my wholeness. That which appeared to be broken is already an impetus for energy and growth.
I am deserving of All. There is no such thing as “undeserved.”
My thoughts about myself are a burden to me.
My parents signed on for every bit of “trouble” I “caused,” and grew in ways I cannot know.
My body is strong and strengthening. It is becoming so strong that it is willing to let go of some of its secret emotional caches for the good of all.
I can choose whether or not I want to do sports.
My body has supported me in my messages to myself all along, and will continue to support me in the new messages I choose for myself. My body is very, very strong.
My body is calling on me to stop hiding, to uncover, to let my brilliance shine out into the world.

Thank you all for your support on this journey.

Finding Compassion

2008-11-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

I am trying to find compassion for the part of me that is resisting this change. I had a rough night last night, and ate too much when I wasn't hungry. Looking back, I can see that I attempt to control my thoughts, feelings and desires with food.

My busyness has been a real problem for me lately. I struggle with letting myself take a break, and when I do take a break, I struggle with what to do. Finally I went out by myself for a little while last night. I went to the library and then to a coffee shop. I did well at the coffee shop, passing up the sugary snacks and having a hot tea, but when I got home I started snacking.

I see that they are related now -- my busyness and my overeating. I am trying to drown out that little voice inside me when I don't like what it is saying. When I am afraid that doing what it wants will be hard, will go against the grain, will make other people mad.

It makes me sad to realize that I used to live my whole life like that -- doing everything I could to erase my needs and wants, to neglect myself, to put everything else first, and to be the "responsible" one. I ignored how I felt, told myself that feelings were not reliable, and I just stuffed them in. I lived in my head and logically made it seem like everything was OK.

I am trying to do that again. I am trying to logically convince myself that I should be happy. The truth is that I am scared by the unhappiness that is deep in my soul right now. I am scared by the part of me that is tired of working so hard at my own expense. I am scared by the part of me that wants change, and is afraid that everyone around me will hate me for it -- especially my husband and my parents. I am scared by the part of me that wants off this rat race, off this treadmill.

I want a more simple, more relaxing, more happy life. I keep trying to find the answers on the outside. If I downsize my house, it wont' be filled with clutter and we won't be stuck to a certain income level by the mortgage. If I get a new job I won't be so stressed and so busy, since it will be easier and less political. If I find the right time management system I will be able to get everything done and have some down time for me.

The truth is that I don't think any of those would really work at this point. Right now it is an inside job. No one is going to come along and set up my life in a way that works for me. I have to do it. In order to do it, I have to listen to that little voice that is screaming "I need help", "I can't keep this up", "It doesn't feel right", and " I need a break".

I have to have boundaries and to make choices. I need to listen to myself to know what I want, and to act on it. I have to comfort that little one inside who wants to know that if it does turn out that I need to get a new job, sell my house, or stop doing some things to be happy, I would do it for her. Her happiness matters. My happiness matters. I have to assure her that it is possible to live from the inside out, to live from my heart and still be a responsible and successful person. It is not black and white. I need to find the gray -- the balance between selfish and caring for others -- the balance between working and resting -- the balance between being and doing.

Right now I choose to no longer use food as a weapon to silence myself. Little one, I will listen to you, and I will do everything in my power to take care of you as my own child. I know you don't trust me fully yet. I know I let fear override you all too often. We are getting stronger, and we will make it through this. I am listening.

Eating

2008-11-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

I have changed.
It has been a slow change that I almost wouldn't have noticed.

I am becoming a healthy eater.

The other day I wanted some carrot cake. I bought a piece from the store. In the past, I would have eaten the whole thing, mindlessly, in one sitting. This time, I took the cake. I cut it into 4 pieces, and I ate one, and put the rest in the fridge. It stayed in the fridge and it didn't call me the way it used to. I didn't go back and eat it all up. Instead, I ate the other parts, one at a time, over the course of a week.

I can trust myself with food.
It is a new feeling.
It is a good feeling.

Of course, it is not perfect.
I had too much candy on Halloween.
But I see that differently now.
I don't judge myself as a failure.
I don't see it as a reason to give up my whole quest for a healthy lifestyle.
I see it as an opportunity to learn.
I learned that Milk Duds actually don't taste good.
I learned that just because it is there, it doesn't mean I have to eat it.
I learned that I can and will make better choices in the future.

Food no longer occupies center stage in my life.
I am so grateful for that.
Thanks to everyone who has supported me to this point.
I look forward to continued progress on this journey.

On the Right Track

2008-10-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the most stressful months of my life. It has been a struggle for me to keep the focus on myself and my goals while being there for my sister and Carly. It shows in that I have made more unhealthy food choices, I have eaten too much (like last night), and I haven't exercised as much as I would like to.

A part of me was ready to take all of that and quit. It is right back to the idea that if I can't do it perfectly, why do it at all. I am trying to make up excuses to quit. I am trying to find comfort back in my old life with my old strategies. I am trying to avoid the feelings.

The problem now is that it doesn't work. Unhealthy food choices -- like snacking on Halloween candy make me feel lethargic and yucky. Overeating to avoid feelings just leaves me feeling bloated and even more angry.

Oddly, a part of me is even angry about this change. I am angry that I can't find comfort where it used to be. That blanket of food that used to feel soft and comfy and cozy, now feels wooly and scratchy and yucky. I am angry that I have to find and break in a new blanket. I have to sit with the feelings.

I have turned into a person who makes healthy eating choices because it feels good. I have turned into a person who craves the sweets, gets to the point of telling myself, "OK, if you really want it you can have it", but then I can't get myself into the car to go get it. A part of me knows it won't work. I can't even pretend that it would.

I was struggling with the fact that despite all of this change, the scale hasn't really changed. I was feeling like I had been doing all of this and had nothing to show for it. If I really stop to think about it, I have been exercising more, I am stronger, more flexible, making healthier food choices, and feeling less stressed. I look better. I feel better. But I was still ready to throw it all away. I was getting impatient.

On Wed I met with my yoga trainer, and we did my measurements. I lost 1% of body fat. That is a really good accomplishment. Especially in a month of such stress. It means a lot that I did not have gain weight, that I did not quit, that every time I didn't eat right or exercise, I knew I would again, that it wasn't all or nothing.

I also am becoming very aware of the things to draw me to food now. It is very targeted now to either not saying what I want or need to say and/or not doing what I want or need to be doing. It is the way I try to quiet myself, to play it safe, to not rock the boat, to go along with the flow.

I have started a list of things I want to be doing that have not been doing. I know that doing them would help.

having parties
having people over for dinner
nights out with friends
vacations to the ocean
daily exercise
daily writing for me (journaling/blogging)
shopping for clothes
cooking
op-ed writing
attending conferences for work
doing something creative (mandalas, zentangles, sewing, knitting...)
dates and time with my husband
regular family outings
family traditions
time in nature (hiking, camping)
one on one time with each of my sons
gardening
decorating the house
decluttering -- especially the office
making photo albums
keeping up my kids blog

I struggle with trying to figure out a way or a plan to live from the center, to make time for what really matters to me. But then that alone feels like procrastination. I don't have to know where I am going to end up to take the first steps.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -- Lao-Tzu

Overall I am on the right track. I just need to believe it. Sometimes I can feel it.

More change is on the horizon. I can see that soon I may very well become a person who exercises to work out her anger instead of a person who stuffs it all inside and tries to pretend it is not there.

The Power of Downtime

2008-09-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Leaning on meditation, yoga and self care to handle my niece's tumor has been an interesting experience. I feel much more connected to myself than I have in a long time. I am seeing how that connection is what gives me the strength, compassion, and love that I need for my niece, my sister, and her husband, and myself through this experience. It has inspired me to nurture myself and to focus on my own health.

Today is a day off of work that I had scheduled many weeks ago – at the suggestion of a blogging friend. I am enjoying the down time to rest and reflect. And I definitely feel like my past self was taking good care of my future self.

So far in my down time I realized that when I stopped trying to force change, change happened.

For the last 4 days, i have exercised daily. That is the most consistent I have been with exercise in a long time. Largely it came about as a result of support from my husband, who made a plan for him to exercise from 7-7:30 am every day and then for me to do it from 7:30-8am everyday. It is working great. I have been enjoying it.

I decided to do my interval training MWF. I walk on the hills by my house. It is fun. I am enjoying the challenge of climbing the hills, and just being outside. The recovery periods feel like mini meditations. And when I came back today, I sat on my front step and meditated for 10 minutes in the sunshine. It was such a sense of connection.

I do my strength yoga on TuTh. I found a place on my back deck to do it. It feels so nice to be outside in the fresh air and to be using my body.

I have come to realize that I used to see exercise as being punishment for being fat, but now I realize that it is a loving gift I give myself to nurture myself. What a difference.

My eating has been much better too, thanks to the help of a supplement that my yoga trainer suggest for me. PGX. If you have trouble with carbs, I would highly recommend it. It has done wonders for me in terms of cravings and constant hunger. I feel much more stable, with no side effects.

Saying Goodbye

2008-09-07T17:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Chubby Me–

Thank you. I appreciate all that you have done for me to try to keep me safe. I was a very scared little girl and I needed your help and support to deal with life. I needed to feel safe. You were there for me. You helped me when I felt sad and lonely. You comforted me. You helped me when I felt angry and scared. You helped me hide from all of the feelings that I was not yet ready to deal with, or that I didn’t know how to express, or that I thought were unacceptable.

Thank you for helping me to be invisible when I was too scared to be seen. Thank you for helping me to be non-threatening and down to earth. Thank you for keeping away attention from boys and men when I was too insecure to be able to handle it. Thank you for making it easier for me to not participate in life, for giving me an excuse to sit on the sidelines, when I was too afraid of failure or looking like a dork to try new things.

Thank you for focusing me on my intellect. I have achieved a lot because of your help in this area. I have four degrees. I have a good job that is secure and pays well. I have a good husband and I was sure that he liked me for who I am and not how I look.

You have gotten me this far, and I really do appreciate it, but you are no longer serving me anymore. It has become painful to be you. It is painful to eat food to search for comfort. It is painful to stuff my feelings inside. It doesn’t feel comfortable or safe anymore. It feels like I am abusing myself.

It doesn’t make me less smart or shallow or materialistic to care about how I look. It doesn’t make me selfish to put my health first and to make time to exercise and eat right. It doesn’t make me lazy to have realistic expectations and to rest or sleep when I am tired. It doesn’t make me moody or too emotional to acknowledge and express my feelings. It doesn’t make me irresponsible to want to my enjoy life and have fun.

I want to be fit and healthy and energetic and vibrant. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to be 100. In order to do these things, I have to let you go. I want to embrace the athletic, healthy eater that is inside of me. I have to embrace honoring and loving my body and treating it with loving-kindness.

It is time to release the weight. It is time to trust that I am safe always. I now comfort myself in ways that don’t involve food. I stand up for myself. I speak my mind. I say yes. I say no. I am ready to stand up, to be who I am, to stop hiding. I am ready to embrace my feelings instead of running away from them and stuffing them all inside. I am ready to participate. I am ready to fully live. I am ready to listen to that inner voice that knows what is best for me.

I am ready.

Love,
Me

Waiting

2008-08-20T08:26:00.001-07:00

My trainer also had me write out a vision for my life at my healthy weight. As I was writing, I suddenly got it. All of these things are available to me now, right now, yet I am the one waiting to give them to myself, waiting for some future time when I am deserving of having that life. I keep thinking if I lose the weight that life will come, but now I see it is really the opposite. If I can give myself that like, the weight will go. The weight is about not living, it is about waiting to live, it is about filling my life with food, instead of experience.

She had me highlight it according to how well I think I could accomplish it all right now. Here is is. At the end I turned it into a to do list. I feel rather overwhelmed trying to integrate all of this change, but I also feel extremely hopeful that I am actually healing and breaking free for good this time. Writing that sentence brings that inner critic out. "Who are you trying to kid?" This time I know it is you inner critic, who is trying to kid me! I am the boss here, not you. If only I can live that all of the time.

Fairly Easy, Takes Some Work, Takes More Work.

At my healthy weight, I sleep well. I wake-up well rested, energetic, and looking forward to my day. I am happy, calm and at peace. I take turns getting up with the kids with my husband. On my days to get up, I prepare healthy breakfasts for all of us with fresh, local foods as much as possible. I play with my kids and am able to focus my attention and energy on them instead of feeling distracted by everything else I feel I need or should be doing. On my days to not get up with the kids I use the time to nurture myself and to do what really makes me feel happy including blogging, reading, sleeping, meditating, yoga, walking, creative expression, listening to music or podcasts, writing and connecting with friends.

Every morning, I take the time to work on my appearance by putting on a make-up and accessories and leave the house feel like I am putting my best me forward. I look forward to getting dressed and choosing from a variety of clothes that make me feel happy and put together. I enjoy clothes shopping and take the time to find things that I love and that make me feel good. I project an image of confidence and style. I enjoy the present moment and do not worry about the future and all of the things I need to do. I set intentions everyday about how I want to be and what I would like to focus on for the day. I smile and laugh often. I appreciate and enjoy being alive. I am grateful for what I have in my life.

On weekdays, I feel strong and go to work feeling confident and capable that I can handle what I need to do. I have boundaries around taking care of myself so that I don't push myself too hard or run myself ragged. My office is clean and organized and is a place that I enjoy being and that feels comfortable and supportive to me. I have decorated the walls with posters and images that make me feel at peace and happy. I have organized my paperwork. I have plants and perhaps a water feature. I don't schedule back to back meetings. I do all of the stretch breaks that pop up on my computer. I take the time to eat when I am hungry and to drink when I am thirsty. I plan my healthy lunch, snacks, and dinner in advance. I grocery shop regularly, go to the farmer's market, and get produce delivered from local farms. I pack what I want to eat for the following day the night before. When it is time to leave work, I leave work at work and make the transition back to home. I pick up my kids and am present with them and give them my full attention without checking into my blackberry or laptop. After they go to bed, I focus on nurturing myself instead of catching up on work. I do yoga. I relax. I spend time talking with and being with my husband. I send my daily gratitude email to my buddy, and I fall asleep easily.

My husband and I have a close relationship. We communicate regularly. We each have time alone to attend to our needs as well as time together to nurture our relationships. We have regular date nights at least once a month. We are partners in life who share the responsibilities of running our household and family, who share the joys of life with each other, and support each other in the hard times. We have adventures together. We support each other in personal growth. We find each other attractive and have an active sex life. We feel connected to each other and that we have a safe place to come to when we need love, support, care or attention.

On weekends, I go to yoga class on Sunday morning. I spend time with my husband and kids, and we do active things such as playing at the park, hiking, bike-riding, playing soccer, swimming, Frisbee, and dancing. We spend time with the people we care about. We spend time outdoors in nature. I get some alone time each weekend to connect with myself.

Our house is clean and organized and a place of comfort. It is a given that we all take care of ourselves and our well being, and that it is important to invest in our health. Our garage is functional and useful. Our office is organized, functional and useful and place that we enjoy being. Our kitchen is full of healthy food choices and we spend time cooking together as a family. Our bedroom is a sanctuary that brings us peace and calm.

Overall, I am confident and believe in my abilities to achieve my goals. I feel strong, vibrant, energetic and capable. I take necessary actions to maintain and support my health with ease, and put taking care of my health and well-being as a top priority. My energy levels are stable. I have enough energy to get through my day and am not drawn to a caffeine or sugar to get me through my day. I take breaks and sleep when I am tired. I have fun. I feel lighter and move with ease. I enjoy moving my body. I listen to music daily that makes me feel happy and confident. I spend time in nature and listening to the sounds of the birds, the water, etc... I smell the smells of fresh cooked healthy meals prepared with love for me and my family. I smell fresh air and plants and flowers. I make the time for the things that are important to me. I know that I am the creator of my own life, and I listen to my inner voice to make sure that my wants and needs are met. I no longer believe my excuses that I don't have time for what I want and that my imperfect body is the root of all of my problems. I let go of my limiting beliefs, and believe in infinite possibilities for me and my life. I love and appreciate my body and see it is as gift from God. I honor it and take care of it.

To Do LIST:

Take turns getting up in the morning with Steve
Spend time outside several times a week
Do daily intentions, gratitude, and meditations
Make time for activities I like such as reading, blogging, listening to music, etc…
Plan regular date nights with Steve at least once a month
Plan get-togethers with friends and neighbors that we think about but never schedule
de-clutter house – especially office and garage
de-clutter, take down wallpaper and paint bedroom
plan active things to do on weekends like hiking, biking, swimming, etc…
grocery shop regularly and plan meals consistently
shop for clothes I like, take time for my appearance in the morning.
increase amount of exercise each week to develop a sustainable regular exercise routine
set boundaries at work around my time and be sure to schedule time each week for me to get done what I want and need to get done.

If I Cant Do It Perfectly, Why Do It At All?

2008-08-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

I am coming face to face with my healthy living and weight loss demon.

My trainer gave me a new interval training workout, and a personalized strength yoga workout, and tension relief yoga workout. I had big goals -- to do the intervals and tension relief yoga 3x a week and the strength yoga 2x a week.

I did not accomplish those goals.
I did interval training once.
I did tension relief yoga once.
I did strength training yoga once.
I quit writing in my daily food log.
I am resisting.

This is all that I can focus on.
I want to label myself a failure.
I want to focus on the outcome and not the progress.
I want to say, "If I can't do it perfectly, I might as well quit".

The good news is that I am aware of this this time. I feel it. I am working on it. I am not going to give up. I actually made a good healthy choice this week. I had to take my car into the shop, and I walked home and back to the car repair shop. This is something I would not normally do, but in the moment I saw it as a good chance for some exercise and time outside. It was nice. The day was beautiful.

Inner demon, you are not going to win this time. You are not going to limit who I get to be. This time I want it strongly enough to face you.

Mandala Healing Teleclass

2008-08-20T08:13:00.001-07:00

I got a little behind in my class since I was out of town for the second call.

On the Second Call, I kept struggling with my mandala.
First, I got really critical andtried to convince myself that I couldn't draw the image I had seen. Then, interestingly, one of the main reasons is that I want them to by centered and they keep coming up unbalanced.
As I go through the course, I can see why though.
My body is really unbalanced, and the messages I am getting are about that.

The notes on the back of this Loves Power to Heal Mandala are:

I struggle.
I want symmetry
My right shoulder carried all, it is tired and sore.
My left arm and right leg are buried and babied.
If the pain dissolves in the shoulder, it will open the hip.
Love and thank the shoulder for carrying weight, but now it can let
go.

This has been really interesting to me, and has inspired me to go to a chiropractor this morning to see if there is more to this shoulder pain than I realize.

I really liked the gratitude work from the third call.
Here is that mandala.

When I turned 39 in July I decided to start a daily gratitude practice that I have been writing on my other blog. It has been great, and I am finding "Thank You For This Moment" really useful in times of stress.

Mandala Healing Teleclass

2008-08-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

This Saturday was the second session of my Mandala Healing Teleclass. Here is the Mandala I did.

It was a wonderful experience this weekend. As may of your know, since I was little, I have always identified myself as being broken because of an injury I had as a baby. I have lived mostly in my head and not in my body.

For more detailed info, you can check out a couple of my old blog posts.

Old Piece of Writing http://yertle.blogspot.com/2007/06/old-piece-of-writing.html
The Whole Truth http://intomybody.blogspot.com/2008/06/whole-truth.html

This weekend's call was a big shift for me. For the first time I didn't see my body as brokenness anymore -- I got a glimpse that my hip may be the source of some divine light. Right now lots of energy is stuck in there, but I got a sense that it could heal and that the light and energy could be released.

A friend mentioned that it looks like a gift. I find that very interested considering I am trying to embrace a new belief that my body is a gift from God.

My Body Doesn't Trust Me

2008-08-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

I met with my new personal trainer for the first time Wednesday morning. It was great, but also a bit disconcerting. I had a really deep realization that my body doesn't trust me. Along with it came the fact that it really shouldn't trust me.

I ignore it when it is tired, I ignore it when it is thirsty, I ignore it when it is hungry. I focus so much on what I am doing that I hardly ask it how it is doing and what it needs. I take it for granted. This is not the basis of a good relationship.

Much of the session was focused on my eating as she had analyzed my food logs. There were 6 main points.

I overeat at night.
I let myself get too hungry.
I go too long between meals.
I eat in the evening when I am not hungry for comfort.
I choose snacks that are not the best for me.
I eat out a lot, and restaurants have no interest in my health, just my money.

Basically, it comes down to taking the time to plan what I am going to eat, to eat more regularly throughout the day. She gave me one strategy that I have been enjoying a lot. When I get my food, I cut it in half and I eat one half for lunch and the other half for an afternoon snack. It feels better to eat that way, and I look forward to getting to eat the other half late.

Dear body,

I promise I will no longer ignore your needs. I will check in with you regularly to see what you need. I will feed you at regular intervals to maintain your energy. I will plan ahead to make sure that you have healthy food that you like to eat in the house at all times. I will pack your lunches and snacks. I will allow you to rest when you feel tired. I will treat you with the loving kindness you deserve. I will earn your trust.

Love,

Me

A New Approach: Love and Trust

2008-07-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been trying on a new approach to my body. It may sound like common sense and something simple, but it has taken me a while to come to a place where I really can move forward like this.

I have decided to transform my relationship with my body through love instead of judgment.

I have decided to transform my relationships with my body through acceptance instead of rejection.

I have rallied help and support.

Last Sunday, I met with a massage therapist. I got a massage and we worked out a plan for my body. It felt good to go with the focus of being loving to my body and to develop a plan to meet the needs of my body. We are going to do a combination of deep tissue massage and trigger points. For the first time in my life I actually feel ready to do this work, ready to let go of this issue, ready to forgive myself for how I have treated my body in the past.

Later this morning, my personal trainer is coming over for our first Weight Loss & Yoga session. I feel so excited, yet also a bit emotional and scared. I have been in this dysfunctional relationship with my body for so long. Sometimes I feel like I have lost faith that it can be better, but now I am finally taking action steps to get there. I trust her holistic approach to weight loss. I trust that she has done what I want to do.

I trust...

Loving My Inner Bully

2008-07-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

I posted last time about my inner bully. She is starting to become a really good friend to me. She wants to get to do what she wants, she wants to stand up for her ideas, she wants to have boundaries and to not get pushed around by others, she wants to speak her mind. Embracing and welcoming her into my life is allowing me to be more honest with myself about what I want and thus more honest with others as a result. She is helping me to be bigger, to put ideas out there, and to talk more. As a result, I am more willing to throw some weird out of the box ideas out there. Interestingly, they are leading me to more connections and more support -- the exact opposite of the ostracizing I always feared would come from them.

My inner bully is also pushing me to think about taking martial arts. That is a big change for me, and something I am incredibly scared of, but I also think that may be just the reason to try it out. I have started looking into local places and will probably set up some visits to see how it feels. I think I got subliminally inspired over at Happy Luau when I read about Being Brave.

I have noticed that when I fill my life with life I don't crave food, but that it requires me listening to my inner voice (incldung my inner bully) and acting on it.

Big and Small

2008-07-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life when I would often say that I wanted to be 800 pounds. I have been reminded of this lately, as I ponder my relationship with my body. I realized that at the time I was living a life that was so far away from what I wanted. I was living what I thought everyone else wanted me to live, and I did start to pack on the pounds. It is almost like I wanted to be big in spirit, but I didn't know how, so I became big in body instead.

BIG is attached to freedom, independence, standing up for yourself, empowered, strong, respect, outgoing, motivated, having a voice and vision.

SMALL is attached to restrained, constraint, dependent, hepless, stuck, door mat, weak, no voice, invisible, disrespect, resigned.

I am so used to playing small. To trying to be invisible. To avoiding attention. To not speaking up. To not asking for help. It feels comfortable, but it is not what I really want. Being independent makes me feel big. Asking for help makes me feel small. Oddly this may be backwards. Small is the one who has to do everything herself, and big is the one who has support and friends and help.

I had an assignment to do for my life coach to ask people who know me about positive and negative qualities about me. I had more trouble with the positive qualities. I felt like people rated me a notch or two above what I thought I should be. When it came to the negative qualities, I felt like they were things I wanted to be -- too modest, not giving myself enough credit, too selfless etc... But then it started to sink in that there was a cost for me in doing that. I realized that I have a mean, critical, pushy, slave-driving internal bully that is mean to me because I don't make things good or easy for me and I don't get her the attention that she really wants and needs. I am working to love my inner bully.
I know she is a little girl who is tired, afraid, and insecure. She wants her way sometimes, she wants love and attention. She acts out and I try to shut her up with junk food. It is time to love her and to let her share her gifts with the world, to let her stand up for herself, to make decisions that support her, and to let her rest when she needs it. It is time to stop hiding and shaming her. It is good to be strong sometimes. Strong does not have to be overbearing. Strong is resonating with me lately. I want to feel fit and strong. I want to feel ready to handle whatever comes. I want to be my best me and to do that I need to access her strength.