Curveballs

In August, I finally made the step I had been moving towards. I left my overly demanding, too stressful job. It was a hard decision to make, but definitely the right one for me. I had been burning myself out for too long and could not face doing it for one more semester. I tried really hard to be able to. In good faith, I rallied myself, I rallied my staff, and I launched a plan to get through the next semester. I left that day with an action plan. Looking at that plan later that day I realized that there was still way too many things that were my responsibility. I threw up from stress later that night. In that moment I knew it had to be over. That job was not worth compromising my health and well-being over. I left two weeks and 3 days later.

It has been a rough adjustment. I was really sad on the day that the class I would have been teaching started. I miss my co-workers and feeling like I was doing something to make a difference. I don't miss the stress and the responsibility. I don't miss trying to squeeze in time for my family and myself around the job. I dream of having a life first, with some contract, consulting, or freelance work that I can do while my kids are at school. I have useful skills, and lots of ideas.

Those first few weeks I was really angry -- angry that people let it get that bad and didn't do anything about it -- my husband, my bosses, and most importantly myself. The magnitude of how far over the line I had gotten in terms of pushing myself past my limits were eye-opening. I started to focus on self-care. I got a physical, some thai massages, started going to the gym and yoga, found a therapist. I went on vacation for 5 days to stay with a dear friend and just relax, chat, watch movies. By the end of that trip, I felt like me again. I was having all kinds of things I could do in the future, I was excited that I could build the life I wanted. I got a business license. I started my first consulting gig. Things were looking up.

Then, I started to lose myself again. I feel into a funk. I started crying a lot, being unable to do things I normally do. I started isolating. My therapist suggested I might be depressed again. As soon as she said it, I knew she was right. I was losing myself again, but in a different way. I have been having a hard time with it. I feel like I should be happier. I feel like this transition should be easier. I am angry I have to deal with depression again right now. Yesterday I went to get some help, and was diagnosed with major depression, recurrent. I am back on anti-depressants. I am hopeful I will be able to feel like me again. I know that I have to continue on this journey so I can heal that parts of me that lead me to hurt myself by taking on too much and ignoring my wants and needs. I wish I could know how long it will take, and where I will end up. I worry that I don't have enough time, yet I know I need to give myself as much time as it takes. I keep telling myself that just because I can do something, it doesn't mean that I should do it. I need to watch myself and my tendency to overdo and to overeat to avoid my anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I am afraid by how much pull there is inside me and how much push there is from outside me to go back to the crazy life. I can't go back. I need to find a deep sense of self love that will never let me do this to myself again.