Not Listening

Sometimes I am good at listening to my ideas, following through, and getting things done. Other times, I get an idea and just smack it down immediately. I recently have noticed that my two favorite idea smack-down phrases are "You shouldn't need that." or "You don't really need that."

The ideas that get this treatment are the boat-rocking ideas, the ideas of wanting to do something out of the ordinary, something just for me, or something just for fun.

I ignore little impulses to play -- the desire to go swimming or to take a bike ride
I ignore healthy impulses -- the desire to lift weights, move or exercise
I ignore impulses for some me time -- the desire to go away along for a night, the desire to take a vacation when work and life gets overwhelming
I ignore big life-changing impulses -- the desire ever since my first child was born to get an RV and drive around the country

I am used to giving up the little ones. They feel different -- like I could up and do them right now if I really wanted to. There is still a chance. It is the big one that sits the hardest right now. I had the desire to take an RV to go see places, meet people, and have an adventure. We could have done it before he started school while life was more flexible. We could have made the time. Yet, I could never turn this yearning into action. I am not even sure where this desire comes from. It is not something I ever thought I would want to do. So I questioned it. "Do I really want to do that?" I talked myself out of it. "You don't need that". "I have never even been in an RV, what if I don't even like it". "How can we afford it and get time to do it?" "My husband doesn't want to go."

And now, my oldest son starts Kindergarten in 2 months. The window is closing, and I feel a tinge of regret. Maybe I should have tried to make it happen. I could have made it happen -- I could have made a plan, figured out the logistics, figured out the finances. But I didn't. I didn't allow myself to be a person who does that type of thing. Instead I watch from the sidelines by reading the blog Bodes Well of a families journey in their VW camper.

I am starting to feel it. The pain of not listening. The pain of ignoring myself. The pain of taking the easy way out and doing the "responsible" thing. It hurts. And yes, even the little ones do add up.