Sitting Indian Style and Limiting Beliefs

Being unable to sit Indian Style as a result of the injury to my hip as a baby, was one of the main pieces of evidence I used to convince myself that I was a broken. It was how I knew I didn't fit in and that there was something wrong with me.

I can vividly remember this going back all the way to first grade during story time. I couldn't sit like all the other kids, so I had to create another way to sit on the floor. I always wished I could, but from that moment on, I have believed that I was broken and that I would never sit Indian Style. This has been the symbol of my brokenness and now I am realizing that it is the root of many of my limiting beliefs about what I am and am not capable of.

Recently through yoga, I have been getting closer and closer to being able to sit Indian Style. By putting focused attention on my hip, listening to it, stretching it, the movement in my right hip has increased dramatically. By loving it and working with it instead of hating it and pretending it wasn't there, it has transformed. All of this after I had avoided using it for almost 40 years, I babied it. I didn't trust it. I avoided it. In the past year and a half or so, I have been working with it with my yoga trainer. At times, it has been painful physically and emotionally, but also extremely healing emotionally and physically. There is a sense of spaciousness and movement in my hip that I never had before.

I know that I will be able to sit Indian Style one day in the near future. It was the thing I KNEW would never happen, yet now I KNOW it will happen. It feels like a paradigm shift in terms of how I have defined myself as broken for so long. By finding out that my key piece of evidence is faulty, I have to come to terms with the fact that my limiting belief was faulty. I am not and was never broken.

There are many other limiting beliefs floating around in my mind about who I am and who I get to be, but they feel less solid than they used to. I have a sense of spaciousness and possibility. I am so grateful for this.

Uncomfortable Feelings

I have found that I have recently uncovered a bunch of uncomfortable feelings -- the ones that drive me to bad eating habits, and have let a little bit creep back in. I now see these desires for bad food as signposts on my journey telling me that something needs attention. These are the feelings that make me want to run for potato chips, ice cream, beer, chocolate etc... I want to cover them up and make them go away.

I also see them as the root of much of my escapist behaviors as a kid. I retreated alone inside of my head surrounded by music and books. Then later it became food, TV and movies too.

This time I am trying to find compassion for myself and to engage myself in conversation with these feelings. I am trying to listen instead of shove them away. It is new for me. I don't know what to do with them.

I feel tired -- tired of taking care of others at the expense of myself. Tired of being responsible and always trying to follow "the rules". I am acutely aware that I have all kinds of sets of rules in my life about how to life, and I struggle with the tension between the two versions. Much of the new practices and self-care strategies I have added to my life end up on the "doesn't count list" as they are not outwardly productive. I have a very strong desire to be productive and too accomplish things. This skews my to do lists and leads me to ignore my need for rest. It keeps me busy and often moving on to the next thing.

I am also aware of some needs that I try to submerge. I feel a need for attention, a need for acknowledgment, a need for pleasure, a need for connection, and a need for fun. I now see how food has been attached to some of this -- food has definitely been my treat, my small pleasure, my fun, but now it is not pleasurable to eat bad food any more. It doesn't work.

I am working on my new motto for the time being.

Everything Counts!

I want to get out of the two lists, the things that count and the things that don't. I want to craft rules for living my life that work for me and match my values. I want to meet my own physical and emotional needs. I spend my time, the hours of my life, every day, and I need to value my time that much. I want to be more conscious about what I choose to do and not do. I want how I feel to matter just as much if not more than what I do.

I struggle with letting go of the old, especially while I am not quite sure what the new looks like. It is time for faith and trust and patience that I will get there, that I don't need a plan or a map. I just need to keep listening to my body and soul.

What is going well

I have noticed that I have a tendency to focus on what is not working instead of what is working. It is one of the ways that perfectionist thinking sneaks back into my life. In a deliberate choice to change that, I decided to make a post focusing on the positive lifestyle changes the detox has lead to.

• My husband did the detox and is packing his food for lunch and dinner.
• I cook much more often, and developed a routine to cook on Sat and Wed to make sure we always have good food to eat.
  
• I eat more vegetables. Yesterday morning I got up and made mushrooms, spinach, green beans and carrots.
  
• I shop in different parts of the grocery store -- produce, chicken, organic foods.
• I am saving money -- my groceries cost less and I am not going out to eat as much.
• I feel a pull to use my body more. I have set up my schedule to do yoga 3 times a week instead of once a week now, and if 4 days go by that I don't do yoga or anything my body feels off and I want to do it.
• The motion in my hip is increasing.
  
• I try to go to sleep every day by 9:30 to honor that part of me that kept saying it wanted rest every day during the detox.
• I am striving for a 80/20 rule where 80 percent of my meals are in line with this new way of eating, and 20% can add in some other things like bread, cheese, etc...

I keep having two sayings pop into my head regarding this. They are Progress and not Perfection and Slow and Steady wins the race. Both remind me to be patient and gentle with myself as I undergo this lifestyle change and focus on paying more attention to and listening to my body, heart, and soul.

Detox Before and After PIctures

A Slippery Slope

Over this holiday weekend, I have found myself upon the slippery slope of my relationship with food. I was doing well and staying on the plan until I took a trip with the kids to the aquarium on Friday. I had been still cooking up a lot of food on the weekends, and making sure to have what I needed. But, on Friday, the food was there, so over the course of the trip to Monterey I had a few french fries, a cookie and some salt-water taffy -- rationalizing that it was a special occasion and it would just be that once. But I can step right back into those old eating habits so easily. The next day here there was some pizza, then at another bbq there was a margarita and some apple pie. The problem with all of this is that now I know I feel like crap as a result. I wake up with no energy. I get a headache. I just feel yucky and find myself back on the roller coaster ride of cravings.

Thankfully, I know just what to do to turn it around, and that is to stick to the plan for a while. It helps now that my husband was inspired by me to start the detox, so we are doing it together.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I run myself ragged. I need to sleep more and rest more. Today I had a 2 hour nap, and it was awesome. Getting the rest I need would keep me from much of this eating for the short term high or energy burst. I have been aiming to go to bed at 9:30 every night now. It works really well, but sometimes it still isn't enough depending on how much my kids interrupt my sleep.

It is time to get back on track and to choose things that make me feel more rested and with more energy -- eating well and getting enough sleep.

Transitions

I just cooked up a bunch of food to continue with much of the same eating plan this week. I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed in terms of getting all of the food together with everything else I need to do -- especially getting ready to teach tomorrow afternoon for my first day of teaching in 3 years. Mostly I think I just need to be patient as I reach a new equilibrium with my new schedule this Fall. My old one worked successfully for over a year, but now I have to make adjustments. I am not yet sure it will work out well, and that alone is making me a little angsty.

I had a successful lunch out today. I did not even feel like eating other things since I didn't want to lose what I have gained especially in terms of feeling a constant stable energy level and feeling clearheaded. We went to a Chinese restaurant, so I had lots of veggies and a little bit of fish. It was good, and I felt great afterwards, and not deprived at all.

Overall, I just feel tired, so I am going to head for a bubble bath and then go to sleep since I gotta get up early tomorrow, and I don't want to start the week out tired.

Reflections on Day 7

Last night I was having mixed feelings about this whole process and was wondering if it was really worth the effort. As I thought about what was happening, I realized that it was the main fight of my life being played out again over this.

One part of me wants to take care of me and my health and wants to make sure I feel good. That part wants to continue on this path towards being the healthiest me I can be. This part is run by how I feel and is much more in touch with my body.

The other side of me is all about doing and effort. It is the one that was judging this process as being too much work, the one that was seeing all of the things I didn't get done because I was doing this -- laundry, cleaning house, essentially anything else in the evening. That side was feeling like this was all too much commitment, it would take away from the other things I need to do, and I can't afford to devote that much time and energy to myself, to shopping, cooking, meal planning and packing. This part is run by my brain and what it thinks I should do. What the body feels is not important.

Sitting in the bath last night, I heard very clearly that the first part of me (who is in line with my little inner Nicci) is not done. She wants me to do this process a little longer. We have touched the hip and the allergy shots, but not the asthma. I was having feelings that there is still work to do around my lungs. To honor the other part of me I will see where I can carve out some more time -- I won't do the bath and sweating every day -- especially if it is at the expense of sleep. That is the one thing I learned loud and clear this week -- I don't rest when I need to, and I don't make sure to get enough sleep.

I also had an amazing realization. I looked at the back of my thighs and realized that my cellulite was gone. The lumps that used to be there are not there. Even I am shocked that after just one week that would be possible.

This morning I took all of my measurements. Here are the results. I am impressed both by how much better I feel, and by the actual physical results after just one week.

MEASUREMENTS	Before	After	Difference
Weight	182.5	178.0	-4.5
Waist	43.5	43.0	-0.5
Hip	47	46	-1.0
Waist to Hip Ratio	0.93	0.93	0
BMI	31.3	30.6	-0.7

I scored a 20 on the Toxicity and Inflammation Quiz which is mild toxicity.

I am very pleased with these results, and plan to continue. I will shop and cook today for this week.