In August, I finally made the step I had been moving towards. I left my overly demanding, too stressful job. It was a hard decision to make, but definitely the right one for me. I had been burning myself out for too long and could not face doing it for one more semester. I tried really hard to be able to. In good faith, I rallied myself, I rallied my staff, and I launched a plan to get through the next semester. I left that day with an action plan. Looking at that plan later that day I realized that there was still way too many things that were my responsibility. I threw up from stress later that night. In that moment I knew it had to be over. That job was not worth compromising my health and well-being over. I left two weeks and 3 days later.
It has been a rough adjustment. I was really sad on the day that the class I would have been teaching started. I miss my co-workers and feeling like I was doing something to make a difference. I don't miss the stress and the responsibility. I don't miss trying to squeeze in time for my family and myself around the job. I dream of having a life first, with some contract, consulting, or freelance work that I can do while my kids are at school. I have useful skills, and lots of ideas.
Those first few weeks I was really angry -- angry that people let it get that bad and didn't do anything about it -- my husband, my bosses, and most importantly myself. The magnitude of how far over the line I had gotten in terms of pushing myself past my limits were eye-opening. I started to focus on self-care. I got a physical, some thai massages, started going to the gym and yoga, found a therapist. I went on vacation for 5 days to stay with a dear friend and just relax, chat, watch movies. By the end of that trip, I felt like me again. I was having all kinds of things I could do in the future, I was excited that I could build the life I wanted. I got a business license. I started my first consulting gig. Things were looking up.
Then, I started to lose myself again. I feel into a funk. I started crying a lot, being unable to do things I normally do. I started isolating. My therapist suggested I might be depressed again. As soon as she said it, I knew she was right. I was losing myself again, but in a different way. I have been having a hard time with it. I feel like I should be happier. I feel like this transition should be easier. I am angry I have to deal with depression again right now. Yesterday I went to get some help, and was diagnosed with major depression, recurrent. I am back on anti-depressants. I am hopeful I will be able to feel like me again. I know that I have to continue on this journey so I can heal that parts of me that lead me to hurt myself by taking on too much and ignoring my wants and needs. I wish I could know how long it will take, and where I will end up. I worry that I don't have enough time, yet I know I need to give myself as much time as it takes. I keep telling myself that just because I can do something, it doesn't mean that I should do it. I need to watch myself and my tendency to overdo and to overeat to avoid my anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I am afraid by how much pull there is inside me and how much push there is from outside me to go back to the crazy life. I can't go back. I need to find a deep sense of self love that will never let me do this to myself again.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Continuing Evolution
Hello.... It feels like time to come out of hiding and return to this space. I miss it.
I am still working on taking in the message of my last post . It is interesting to me that I wrote it 7 months ago and that it is still just as true now as it was then. I am still bumping into the scary, ugly corners. In fact I may be less optimistic now then I was then. I find myself struggling to keep the patience and faith that I need to move through this transition.
I am still bouncing between chaos and calm.
I am struggling with myself, my beliefs, my limits on what I think I am allowed to want and have.
I struggle to cope well with the anxiety, fear, and anger that is coming up.
I have started eating compulsively at night again. I am trying to hold all of this stuff in.
I need to let it go, release it, stop holding it all in and holding it all together.
I feel like I need to drop it, let it break, so I can rebuild it stronger and in a better way.
I see the scale creeping back up.
I feel shame about it.
I am struggling to ask for help and support.
I am struggling to be seen and heard.
I am learning more about myself.
I am trying to reclaim my ability to be angry and to have expectations.
I am scared of disappointment and being undeserving.
I am remembering that just because I am good at something, it doesn't mean that I have to do it.
I am scared that taking this step for me puts everything else at risk -- my family, my career, my relationship, my finances.
Yet I am also scared that not taking steps for me puts my soul, my heart, and my health at risk.
It is time to show my vulnerable bits, to embrace my humanity and my imperfection.
I am scared. I am angry. I don't want to be alone.
It is time to say
I need help. I can't do this alone.
It is time to be grateful for all the people who are there supporting me and to stop pushing them out when I need them most.
I am still working on taking in the message of my last post . It is interesting to me that I wrote it 7 months ago and that it is still just as true now as it was then. I am still bumping into the scary, ugly corners. In fact I may be less optimistic now then I was then. I find myself struggling to keep the patience and faith that I need to move through this transition.
I am still bouncing between chaos and calm.
I am struggling with myself, my beliefs, my limits on what I think I am allowed to want and have.
I struggle to cope well with the anxiety, fear, and anger that is coming up.
I have started eating compulsively at night again. I am trying to hold all of this stuff in.
I need to let it go, release it, stop holding it all in and holding it all together.
I feel like I need to drop it, let it break, so I can rebuild it stronger and in a better way.
I see the scale creeping back up.
I feel shame about it.
I am struggling to ask for help and support.
I am struggling to be seen and heard.
I am learning more about myself.
I am trying to reclaim my ability to be angry and to have expectations.
I am scared of disappointment and being undeserving.
I am remembering that just because I am good at something, it doesn't mean that I have to do it.
I am scared that taking this step for me puts everything else at risk -- my family, my career, my relationship, my finances.
Yet I am also scared that not taking steps for me puts my soul, my heart, and my health at risk.
It is time to show my vulnerable bits, to embrace my humanity and my imperfection.
I am scared. I am angry. I don't want to be alone.
It is time to say
I need help. I can't do this alone.
It is time to be grateful for all the people who are there supporting me and to stop pushing them out when I need them most.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Evolution
It is finally sinking in.
It is not about what I do.
It is about me and my relationship to myself and my life.
I can have calm no matter what I may need or want to do.
I can have happiness no matter what is happening in my life.
The path to it sounds simple:
If I am present for myself and focus on taking care of me no matter what is happening, it is mine.
As I practice this, I find that it is very hard for me.
It goes counter to all I believe about life.
It goes counter to all the messages I give myself -- my rules for how to live life and how to be a good person.
And yet as I work on this, I find moments of great happiness and calm.
Asking the questions daily is keeping me focused.
Making time for things that matter to me and will make me feel good -- makes me feel productive and happy.
What I am doing hasn't changed.
What has changed is how I am doing it.
I also find moments of chaos. Moments of challenge. Crises of faith.
Is it possible to really be successful living in this new way?
I feel like Chicken Little screaming "The sky is falling."
I fear that I will be a failure if I don't do everything or if I leave things undone.
In those moments I listen to the inner messages in my mind.
I bump into the scary, ugly corners inside my comfort zone.
I see the ways in which I am so hard on myself.
Work harder. Do more. Achieve.
Don't be lazy. Don't be selfish.
Take care of everyone and everything else first.
You can take a little time for yourself, but there is a limit.
Life isn't supposed to be easy.
Yet, I know these rules don't serve me anymore. They leave me exhausted, worn out, burnt out. Wanting to quit and run away because I just can't handle it anymore.
I need more compassion for myself.
I need more patience with myself in this process.
I need support and reminders that this will work, especially when I am faced with the most doubt.
I have embarked on a program of positive brainwashing.
I can convince myself through new positive practices.
I can convince myself through what I read.
I can convince myself through what I listen to.
Being calm and happy is possible for me. Being energized and inspired is possible for me.
The life I want is possible for me and is closer than I even imagine.
I can do this. I am doing it. I am evolving.
If you are interested, these are the ingredients of my brainwashing.
It is not about what I do.
It is about me and my relationship to myself and my life.
I can have calm no matter what I may need or want to do.
I can have happiness no matter what is happening in my life.
The path to it sounds simple:
If I am present for myself and focus on taking care of me no matter what is happening, it is mine.
As I practice this, I find that it is very hard for me.
It goes counter to all I believe about life.
It goes counter to all the messages I give myself -- my rules for how to live life and how to be a good person.
And yet as I work on this, I find moments of great happiness and calm.
Asking the questions daily is keeping me focused.
Making time for things that matter to me and will make me feel good -- makes me feel productive and happy.
What I am doing hasn't changed.
What has changed is how I am doing it.
I also find moments of chaos. Moments of challenge. Crises of faith.
Is it possible to really be successful living in this new way?
I feel like Chicken Little screaming "The sky is falling."
I fear that I will be a failure if I don't do everything or if I leave things undone.
In those moments I listen to the inner messages in my mind.
I bump into the scary, ugly corners inside my comfort zone.
I see the ways in which I am so hard on myself.
Work harder. Do more. Achieve.
Don't be lazy. Don't be selfish.
Take care of everyone and everything else first.
You can take a little time for yourself, but there is a limit.
Life isn't supposed to be easy.
Yet, I know these rules don't serve me anymore. They leave me exhausted, worn out, burnt out. Wanting to quit and run away because I just can't handle it anymore.
I need more compassion for myself.
I need more patience with myself in this process.
I need support and reminders that this will work, especially when I am faced with the most doubt.
I have embarked on a program of positive brainwashing.
I can convince myself through new positive practices.
I can convince myself through what I read.
I can convince myself through what I listen to.
Being calm and happy is possible for me. Being energized and inspired is possible for me.
The life I want is possible for me and is closer than I even imagine.
I can do this. I am doing it. I am evolving.
If you are interested, these are the ingredients of my brainwashing.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My Comfort Zone
Sitting with all of these feelings today, I find myself wrestling with my comfort zone. My comfort zone is my ways of living, the rules I live by to be a good person, to accomplish something, to be responsible. As I sit here hoping, needing to step out of that comfort zone. It is my cage, my limiting beliefs, my fear. I use food to try to keep myself in my comfort zone. To squash the desires to step out and to consider that there is another way to be.
My fear is huge. Lots of it. Fear that I will be a failure if I put my own self care first, that all of the things I need to do will pile up undone showing all of the world what a failure I am. I am scared that if I stop trying to hold it all together, it will all fall apart. My whole life -- like the sky is falling. Like everything I know about who I am and how to be in the world is wrong. I feel lost at sea without a map. I feel scared that there is not really a there there. I want some assurance that it exists. I want a role model so I can see it in action and believe that it works.
This journey now needs to rely on some faith and some trust, that it will work out somehow and someway. I can make this happen. I am making this happen. I will be OK, my life will be OK. There is a path to a different way. I am seeking out support in this - friends and books. Things to help me shrink the fear. Things to remind me that it is only fear. The fear of having my story of life change and feeling lost without it. But what if I am not actually lost? What if I am starting to be found? What if creating a new better story about who I am and how to live is the answer?
Face the fear and do it anyway. Garner up support. Find reassurance -- it is OK to need it right now when I am feeling a bit fragile.
I am grateful to have started reading The Not So Big Life: Making Room for What Really Matters. The introduction speaks to me today.
"Any of us can wake up from the overstuffed lives we are leading and make room for what we long to have time for. It's possible to take the blur that is modern life -- the obligations, the messages to return, errands to run, and family and friends to squeeze in there somehow -- and slow down so we can actually be there is what we're doing. It's possible to start living a Not So Big Life of full, rich, vivid moments where everything that happens to us is experiences fully, and where spirit and connection have room to thrive... you'll discover that you too can pursue the aspects of your own nature that aren't being lived but that yearn for liberation."
My fear is huge. Lots of it. Fear that I will be a failure if I put my own self care first, that all of the things I need to do will pile up undone showing all of the world what a failure I am. I am scared that if I stop trying to hold it all together, it will all fall apart. My whole life -- like the sky is falling. Like everything I know about who I am and how to be in the world is wrong. I feel lost at sea without a map. I feel scared that there is not really a there there. I want some assurance that it exists. I want a role model so I can see it in action and believe that it works.
This journey now needs to rely on some faith and some trust, that it will work out somehow and someway. I can make this happen. I am making this happen. I will be OK, my life will be OK. There is a path to a different way. I am seeking out support in this - friends and books. Things to help me shrink the fear. Things to remind me that it is only fear. The fear of having my story of life change and feeling lost without it. But what if I am not actually lost? What if I am starting to be found? What if creating a new better story about who I am and how to live is the answer?
Face the fear and do it anyway. Garner up support. Find reassurance -- it is OK to need it right now when I am feeling a bit fragile.
I am grateful to have started reading The Not So Big Life: Making Room for What Really Matters. The introduction speaks to me today.
"Any of us can wake up from the overstuffed lives we are leading and make room for what we long to have time for. It's possible to take the blur that is modern life -- the obligations, the messages to return, errands to run, and family and friends to squeeze in there somehow -- and slow down so we can actually be there is what we're doing. It's possible to start living a Not So Big Life of full, rich, vivid moments where everything that happens to us is experiences fully, and where spirit and connection have room to thrive... you'll discover that you too can pursue the aspects of your own nature that aren't being lived but that yearn for liberation."
The Antidote
I am very grateful for the supportive people in my life who help and support me when times get rough. Early this morning and last night ll I wanted to do was run away from the constant demands on me. I wanted to end this cycle and get far, far away from it. I wanted to be done, but that doesn't allow me to grow and practice the skills I need to be able to be the me that I want to be.
Somehow it always comes back to good self care. I need that above all else. I need to make the decisions in the moment that honor myself and my life. I am grateful to my coach who helped me come up with the following daily questions to ask myself to help keep me on track.
1. Are you rested? If not, what are you going to do about it?
NO!! Go home and take a nap and maybe go to a movie.
2. What are your expectations for the day? Are they realistic?
Rest! Yes, now that I decided to rest and make getting emotional stable my expectation.
3. What are you going to say no to?
Guest teaching next Wednesday in the summer institute.
So here I go, stepping a toe into a new world where I put my needs first above all else and take the steps to be the person I want to be. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel scared to death -- scared their will be bad consequences, mountains of things undone, people being upset or mad at me. I wish it wasn't so hard. Yet I also feel a small glimmer of hope that there is another side to this.
I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this.
Somehow it always comes back to good self care. I need that above all else. I need to make the decisions in the moment that honor myself and my life. I am grateful to my coach who helped me come up with the following daily questions to ask myself to help keep me on track.
1. Are you rested? If not, what are you going to do about it?
NO!! Go home and take a nap and maybe go to a movie.
2. What are your expectations for the day? Are they realistic?
Rest! Yes, now that I decided to rest and make getting emotional stable my expectation.
3. What are you going to say no to?
Guest teaching next Wednesday in the summer institute.
So here I go, stepping a toe into a new world where I put my needs first above all else and take the steps to be the person I want to be. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel scared to death -- scared their will be bad consequences, mountains of things undone, people being upset or mad at me. I wish it wasn't so hard. Yet I also feel a small glimmer of hope that there is another side to this.
I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this.
Asking Too Much of Myself
I consistently ask too much of myself. In my job, in my family. I have a full time job as the director of two programs, I make time to be there for my kids, and take care of things at home.
I struggle to do it all. Being there for my kids is important for me, so I make time to volunteer at preschool, to pick the kids up early to take them swimming, to take them to playgroup. I want to spend significant amounts of time with them and to create fun and lasting memories for them and for me. Yet I struggle to find time to get them swim lessons or to figure out the logistics of getting them to and from school. And I am very lucky, as I have the help and support of both my parents and my in-laws to make this work.
I work in public education. I have for about 14 years -- as a high school science teacher for 10 years and as a teacher educator for 4. Public education in California is a world of high vision and limited resources. It is a world where people take on more and more with less and less because they care, they care about the students. My vision is large. I care a lot. I know that the children in this state and this country deserve more than they are getting right now.
I would like to see the following.
I find myself with questions such as "Do I go to yoga or do I have breakfast with my friend?". The truth is I want both. I need both, yet my life doesn't support both right now. I struggle to find time to fit in things like getting a haircut. I squeeze in too much, the schedule is too full and too tight. What falls off the list is my self-care, my needs, my desires. I ignore myself to be able to continue to ask too much of myself. This is not working for me, and more and more I see that this is the center of my issues with myself and my issues food. I use food to numb the feelings of frustration with this situation so that I can continue pushing myself too hard. I use food to push past exhaustion, to keep going instead of resting. I use food to numb the loneliness of feeling like I will let everyone down if I stop pushing too hard, but wanting and needing to stop. I use food to numb the sadness that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I don't feel heard, and I feel pressure to keep making it work, to keep things as they are, to not rock the boat.
I struggle with the notion that if I just could control things better instead of letting them control me, that I could make it OK. I could make it manageable and tenable, but I think that is the same thing -- asking too much of myself, forcing myself into situations where I know it will be very hard for me to say no and ask for help with the added pressure that I have to say no and ask for help. It feels like I am telling myself that I need to be someone else, someone who can do this without question, without exhaustion. I day dream about working less -- taking a leave of absence, going part time or even quitting my job. Part time is another mine field. I did it once after my first son was born. I realized that I have a hard time setting the boundaries around how much time I spend, since my expectations of myself are high. I ended up working more than the 50% I had signed up for. I set myself up for failure.
I am not sure how to stop, and as I write that I know that is code for I am scared of the consequences if I stop. I need to stop asking so much of myself, and I am scared of what that looks like.
Is it possible for me to get myself out of situations that consistently ask too much of me? Or is this about me and my inability to set good boundaries, say no and ask for help? Will it follow me around whatever I do?
This is all in my head. When I check in with my body, what it wants is to not be exhausted any more. It wants time with friends AND yoga class. It wants a less hectic pace, less stress, more space. I really do want to change the world, but what if changing the world really starts with changing how I treat myself?
I struggle to do it all. Being there for my kids is important for me, so I make time to volunteer at preschool, to pick the kids up early to take them swimming, to take them to playgroup. I want to spend significant amounts of time with them and to create fun and lasting memories for them and for me. Yet I struggle to find time to get them swim lessons or to figure out the logistics of getting them to and from school. And I am very lucky, as I have the help and support of both my parents and my in-laws to make this work.
I work in public education. I have for about 14 years -- as a high school science teacher for 10 years and as a teacher educator for 4. Public education in California is a world of high vision and limited resources. It is a world where people take on more and more with less and less because they care, they care about the students. My vision is large. I care a lot. I know that the children in this state and this country deserve more than they are getting right now.
I would like to see the following.
- A quality education (especially in math and science) for every child.
- Quality teachers in every class for every child.
- A school system that supports quality teachers doing the work of education students.
I find myself with questions such as "Do I go to yoga or do I have breakfast with my friend?". The truth is I want both. I need both, yet my life doesn't support both right now. I struggle to find time to fit in things like getting a haircut. I squeeze in too much, the schedule is too full and too tight. What falls off the list is my self-care, my needs, my desires. I ignore myself to be able to continue to ask too much of myself. This is not working for me, and more and more I see that this is the center of my issues with myself and my issues food. I use food to numb the feelings of frustration with this situation so that I can continue pushing myself too hard. I use food to push past exhaustion, to keep going instead of resting. I use food to numb the loneliness of feeling like I will let everyone down if I stop pushing too hard, but wanting and needing to stop. I use food to numb the sadness that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I don't feel heard, and I feel pressure to keep making it work, to keep things as they are, to not rock the boat.
I struggle with the notion that if I just could control things better instead of letting them control me, that I could make it OK. I could make it manageable and tenable, but I think that is the same thing -- asking too much of myself, forcing myself into situations where I know it will be very hard for me to say no and ask for help with the added pressure that I have to say no and ask for help. It feels like I am telling myself that I need to be someone else, someone who can do this without question, without exhaustion. I day dream about working less -- taking a leave of absence, going part time or even quitting my job. Part time is another mine field. I did it once after my first son was born. I realized that I have a hard time setting the boundaries around how much time I spend, since my expectations of myself are high. I ended up working more than the 50% I had signed up for. I set myself up for failure.
I am not sure how to stop, and as I write that I know that is code for I am scared of the consequences if I stop. I need to stop asking so much of myself, and I am scared of what that looks like.
Is it possible for me to get myself out of situations that consistently ask too much of me? Or is this about me and my inability to set good boundaries, say no and ask for help? Will it follow me around whatever I do?
This is all in my head. When I check in with my body, what it wants is to not be exhausted any more. It wants time with friends AND yoga class. It wants a less hectic pace, less stress, more space. I really do want to change the world, but what if changing the world really starts with changing how I treat myself?
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